Why did you call him "jackass"? Having someone cure it for you isn't a very good idea either. If it's a lot of weed, I wouldn't trust anyone to cure it for me. But then again, I'm old and wise...
Ha, yeh you could noticed a huge difference in weight between the dry and wet stages!
Is there no way of putting them in say a drafty room, in an almost, but not really airtight box? Like a loosely made cardboard box and they could dry out gradually, but not too fast. Fast enough to prevent mold and slow enough not to taste like shit.. I mean the longer you cure it the better, right? Some people go upto 6 months. Why not take advantage of the fact you won't be tempted to touch it for a month or so?
That's just my 2c, haven't teased myself before by investigating the curing side of things in too much detail, waiting until I get there to find the perfect method. (I know low temps and no direct sunlight is perfect to save from deterioration)