jokes
- Thread starter kochab
- Start date
kochab
New Member
Punishments in Hell
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
kochab
New Member
Italian Virgin
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
kochab
New Member
Son in Law
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
_______________________________________________
I have a million jokes saved on my pc. this one of my favorites.lol most of them are quite long though so im going to try and refrain from posting those because they take a good minute to read.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
_______________________________________________
I have a million jokes saved on my pc. this one of my favorites.lol most of them are quite long though so im going to try and refrain from posting those because they take a good minute to read.
kochab
New Member
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
edit
ps: by the way no one take any offence to any of my jokes as i do not mean any of it seriously. I have all kinds of race jokes including cracks on white folks like myself. im not going to post any blatantly rude ones on here but some of them arent the purest humor either.
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
edit
ps: by the way no one take any offence to any of my jokes as i do not mean any of it seriously. I have all kinds of race jokes including cracks on white folks like myself. im not going to post any blatantly rude ones on here but some of them arent the purest humor either.
kochab
New Member
yet another discrimination joke
Blatant Racial Discrimination
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
Blatant Racial Discrimination
First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
kochab
New Member
a plea. ha ha.
kochab
New Member
here is one you can remember pretty easily
Native Wisdom
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
kochab
New Member
potatoes.....sure
Arab Gardner
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
Arab Gardner
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
kochab
New Member
NASA and the Navajo
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.”
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.”
kochab
New Member
how the hell did this post before the najavo joke? thats wierd as hell. when the page loaded for me it showed it after your reply to the joke.........
Wicked Wish
A guy from cuba and a guy from the us are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.
The cuban says, "I want a wall around cuba to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"
The guy from the us smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
kochab
New Member
yeah its mean as hell but its pretty smart
Panhandling
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
Panhandling
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"