Lets Hear Some JOKES!

[v12xjs]

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."

 

[bigweeds]

Q=whats the difference between pink and purple??

A=the grip

 

[v12xjs]

Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy!"
Doc - "What?"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of
stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and
I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Hmm, what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put
me down every chance she got."
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I left her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "I see, what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Cheese Wotsits."

 

[bigweeds]

a couple was watching a discovery channel special about an african bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"how about we try the african string-and-weight procedure?"
the husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "how is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"no...it's turned black."

classic lmfao

 

[Woomeister]

A priest is riding his bicycle down a country lane, when a car overtakes him and carries on round the next bend. The driver of the car goes round a blind bend and feels a bump, wondering whats happened he stops the car and gets out to see whats happened. He soon realises he has hit and killed a rabbit, the man is an animal lover and this upsets him so he decides he better bury the rabbit at the side of the road. Just as he is about to place the rabbit in the hole he has dug the priest arrives on his bike and seeing the distressed man stops:
priest: What is the matter my Son?
man: I came round the corner and this rabbit ran out in front of me and I ran it over, I feel awful, I wish there was something that could be done. Could you pray for it before I bury it?
priest: I may be able to do more than that my Son.
The priest reaches into his knapsack and pulls out a small vile of liquid, he splashes some over the rabbit while muttering some words that the man presumes is a prayer.
priest: Now my Son just wait a moment.
After a few moments the rabbit begins to twitch, then miraculously it opens its eyes, stretches its legs and gets up and hops off into the next field where it stops turns round a nd waves at the man and the priest. It then jumps into 2 or 3 more fields always stoppping to wave.
man: My god! Its a miracle, what was the liquid Father? Was it holy water?
Priest: No my Son, It was hair restorer with permanent wave...

 

[rebelfied]

so this dude was walking through the woods...he tripped over something, do you know what it was?

 

[Woomeister]

what do you call a dinosaur that has to wear glasses?

doyouthinkhesaurus... (gets coat and leaves the room)

 

[MisterMicro]

HAHaha ^

 

[toocoolo]

I love stoner jokes!

In a high security prison, there's this 3 cellmates, all big time junkies of their own drugs, trying to escape from prison.

The first one, hooked on coke, says: -"I know how we can escape! Lets get us some niiice blow, shoot up 6 lines each!!!! and we'll be so fucking pepped up and strong, that we could easily bend the bars of the windows and fucking escape running fast as hell and knocking any security guard that gets in our way!!!!! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!!"

The other prisoners boo at his proposal and call him a coke junkie...

The second prisoner, addicted to all kinds of synthetic drugs, says: -"lets eat this pills I've got, they'll get us very very tripped and fucked up, and we can either become tiiiiiiiny little men, soooo tiny that no one could spot us, and that way scape being totally incognito... or we play some crazy techno and dance our asses out of here with a magic carpet or something..."

The other prisoners smack him and call him a burned out junkie idiot and stuff...

Finally the third prisoner, a heavy experienced hippie pothead, tell his cellmates: "-I know how we can escape... check it out, I've got this super skunk buds, enough to keep us blaaaaaaaaazed for a while. So we go to my cell, and we blaaaaaaaaaze and blaaaaaaaaaaze and blaaaaaaaaaaze and blaaaaaaaaazzzzzzeeeeee!!... and then.... and then.... then... we'll see...."

 

[XxNinjaxX]

I think the home-made jokes need to stop, they are disturbing on many levels - other than that the old classics are good for a giggle, so i guess il add my 2 cents.

A man was having a mid-life crisis and spent all his money on a BMW, he was taking it for a drive and noticed cops behind him attempting to pull him over for speeding. He thought to himself that he was in a brand new beamer n there was no way they were going to catch him - so he stepped on it - 120, 130, 150 & climbing. He suddenly came to his senses and realised what he was doing, so he pulled over and let the cop catch him.
The officer said, Sir, its late on a Friday afternoon and i really dont want the paperwork - if u can give me an excuse that i havnt heard b4 as to y u were speeding, then il let u off.
The man considered this for a minute before responding "My wife ran away with a Cop last week and when i saw u in my mirror i was afraid u were trying to give her back".
The cop smiled before replying "Have a nice day Sir".

 

[XxNinjaxX]

so this dude was walking through the woods...he tripped over something, do you know what it was?

Lol, what was it?

 

[MisterMicro]

So the mouse says to the cat, " You think your tough shit"... The Cat stares in confedence with a tad of uncertanty. The mouse responds, "Let me tell ya cat, I have a Cult 45 in my pocket. What do you have pussy?" As the cat runs hes Shot 10 times in the head, killing him instantly.

 

[Chiceh]

A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"

 

[rebelfied]

Lol, what was it?

you gotta guess...and it wasnt a stick.

 

[Toker88]

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?







A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out


hehhehe lol...

 

[rebelfied]

A mushroom!

nooo...a rock. Dude gets back up and keeps walking and feels something land on his shoulder, you know what it was?

 

[XxNinjaxX]

nooo...a rock. Dude gets back up and keeps walking and feels something land on his shoulder, you know what it was?

Was it a Giant Bud given to him from God and descended from the very heavens above?

 

[XxNinjaxX]

So the mouse says to the cat, " You think your tough shit"... The Cat stares in confedence with a tad of uncertanty. The mouse responds, "Let me tell ya cat, I have a Cult 45 in my pocket. What do you have pussy?" As the cat runs hes Shot 10 times in the head, killing him instantly.

I'll laugh @ u, but not the joke.. Did u 4get to put a punch line in, or d the joke not have 1?

 

[FrontaLobotomy]

What's brown and sticky?







A Stick!
The old ones are the best

 

[MisterMicro]

Ok so this kid has Severe Down Syndrome.