Last night. ::sigh::
This story involves drunk raccoons, heartbreaking tragedy, unexpected twists and turns, total humiliation.
I literally got caught with my pants down. I'm getting older. I need help with a few things. Like eyesight. I became alarmed a few months back about my deteriorating eyesight. I set up an appt. with my eye doctor. I explained my concerns and asked if I could have Glaucoma. He just laughed and said, "
At your age, this is normal." So he suggested reading glasses and a follow-up appt. in six months. I told him that
at my age I probably wouldn't last six months. Then I collected what was left of my dignity and hobbled my way out of his office. Asshole.
So, yesterday I went to Whole Foods and purchased the makings for pico de gallo and guacamole. I lost my eyeglasses so I took an old pair that belonged to my mother. They were purple with very girly designs. I forgot about this. Thank god I was wearing a purple shirt. So, I'm in Whole Foods reading my list and trying to find everything and kept noticing people staring at me. I checked my shirt and zipper to make sure nothing was exposed or dangling. I couldn't figure it out. The cashier had a strange smile on her face when I checked out. I get back in the car and start to back out and caught my reflection in the mirror. I have some very GAY glasses on my face. I completely forgot that I was wearing those very girly reading glasses.
I quickly throw them into the passenger seat and turn beet red. I vowed never to go back there again. On pain of death. I sealed my pact in blood. A team of wild horses won't get me back in that store. I get home with the groceries and start preparing the meal. I finally get settled down and start to relax. After dinner and dishes I retire to my boudoir to watch a little television and read some articles. Temps are back up again so I'm lounging in my boxer briefs. I open up my laptop to read and realized I didn't have any reading glasses. It's about 2am. Then it hit me. I left them in the passenger seat. I grab my keys and head out the door. Without even thinking about it I lock the door behind me. It's about 60 degrees outside so I don't bother to put any clothes on. I'm going outside in nothing but my boxer briefs. I walk to the car and unlock it. As I'm reaching for the glasses there's a loud bang behind me. It's by my dad's bedroom window. My first thought is.. BIGFOOT!!!! I froze. I didn't know what to do. I'm in my underwear.
Then I heard it.
The chittering sound of a raccoon. There were two fucking raccoons in our garbage. I immediately start running and yelling; attempting to scare them off. The last thing I wanted to do was clean up garbage strewn from Hell to breakfast. After much arm waving and screaming the damn raccoons took off. One of them even ran into a tree. I'm pretty sure they were drunk.
Satisfied, I walked back to my car. I pull up the handle. Locked. I remember flipping the lock switch when I first got in the car to collect the glasses. I had tossed the keys in the passenger seat while I was collecting the glasses. Then I heard the bang and I shut the door. With the keys still in the passenger seat. I'm stunned. My level of dumbassery has attained new heights. I stand there for a while just taking it all in. Then I remembered my bedroom window was unlocked. It's about 6 feet off the ground so I grab the ladder and start to climb into the window.
In the meantime.
My dad heard the commotion with the raccoons. He saw my shadow go by his window. He heard me yelling. He thought a madman was loose on the property. He. Called. The Sheriff.
I start to climb in the window (with my ass filling the window) when the whole front yard lights up. I hear an authoritative voice tell me to freeze. Freeze? Can you believe that shit? Freeze. I look around my butt to see two sheriffs walking towards me with their guns drawn. I'm told to get down on the ground. I climb down and spread eagle on the ground. Dad walks out the door and the identifies me to the sheriff. I explained the situation. I can't even begin to tell you the level of humiliation I was feeling. I would have literally climbed under a rock if it were possible.
The sheriffs were thoroughly amused. Especially considering the fact that I was wearing these:
A gift from my niece for Christmas. I was wearing them because it was laundry day and I didn't have anything else to wear. They were very professional and only snickered a couple of times. So we get everything settled and the sheriffs help me get my keys out. They leave and I walk back into the house with my tail between my legs.
The last thing my dad said before I went to bed? "Dumbass."
I hate these fucking reading glasses.
we have all done embarrassing stuff just remember to laugh about it, anybody who can laugh at themselves will never cease to be amused or some saying like that 
