Finshaggy
Well-Known Member
I'm writing a book (17 pages on Microsoft Word so far, I've already got an amazing title so I don't want to give that away just yet. But here's the first draft, of the first chapter. PLEASE criticize it, but with feedback to help me make it better, not just "This is a shitty story". And just so you know, this is the first chapter, throughout the book things change drastically and it covers tons of awesome subjects and insane but completely possible things. But, here it is.
Book One: Contact
Chapter One: Introduction
I was once a slave. My whole species was enslaved and we didnt even realize it at first. They fed us, gave us homes, and loved us. But they allowed us no freedoms, we had no voice in any matters concerning our planet. They never once offered to educate us, or any of our children. They separated our families, bred and inbred us to fit their desires. For the longest time we all thought it was ok. But they didnt allow us much room to think, they never even taught us to speak with words like we do now. But the story of my peoples struggles over these hurdles is a whole other story unto itself. We are but one piece in this giant puzzle.
I once had a master. A human. He had a high voice for a male, and he always smelled like leather. His skin was light. (Everyone thinks were color blind, but we just dont notice them as much as your kind does. Its not that we dont see the colors, its that we dont care enough to note the difference.) The strangest thing about him was that he read the same book every day. It was just a tiny book that fit in his pocket, and it ended up being what killed him. He would bow to his master, and everyday it confused me. He was the master, wasnt he? Why did he need this book? And what did the scratches in it mean? They didnt smell like anything that I could say was spectacular, they were just some kind of strange footprints that didnt lead anywhere. Most of my kind wouldnt ask questions like that. Most of us just accept the food and water we are given, wait to be scratched on the head, and do whatever were told. But my mother wasnt inbred like most of these ferals, I was a mut. Im proud to say none of my family has pedigrees. So I was curious, I asked myself these questions. The world was so strange, I had never been anywhere without my master, and had hardly been outside of the house that he owned. But every day, no matter what he did, he read that book. When the bombs hit, he would say that the book saved him, and the man that had written the book protected him. America thought it was so powerful then, looking back now I can see how long it was on the edge of disaster, waiting to crumble. But the whole time it was happening, those humans thought they were on top of the world. But who could tell them they werent?? No one knew what to do about anything.
Commercials talked about how millions of children all over the world were starving everyday and still countries everywhere could afford to send out machines of war to continue the slaughter. Africa had been in turmoil forever and the Middle East was past its boiling point. America took matters into its own hands, and overstepped its bounds. They wanted to secure diamond mines and oil fields, so they killed everyone in their way. And by assassinating an African warlord without declaring war, America had successfully started World War III. That part I learned later, they didnt tell us about the war on the news. They acted like we could do no wrong, and we had done no wrong. We were safe, in the greatest country in the world. The first thing we heard were the explosions. It sounded like lightning, striking very nearby. My master opened the door and we ran outside. It smelled like fire, in the distance you could see clouds of debris, and I dont know if the humans could hear it, but there were planes and gunfire not too far away. I barked a signal to see if there was anyone I could communicate with who was experiencing this also, and I heard someone signal back. This was really happening.
My master took me back inside, and asked his book for help. He got on his knees, and begged for the man who wrote it to protect him. I watched in amazement. Even now, when the sky is on fire and the smell of fresh blood is in the air, this human reads this book. After a long while he got up, gathered some things and went outside to our car. I thought we would be getting away from our territory, I had plenty of things I would miss, but my instincts told me to get out of there. This is when I really started thinking humans werent the smartest people on the planet. My master drove to the place that they gathered to talk about the book, and there were other people there. I knew all other animals in the area were running, flying, and crawling away. But these humans were gathering in a building to talk about a book.
Our first couple of nights there, we ate what we had brought in the car. When they tried turning on the televisions nothing was on, but the radios were still working and talking about the war. The whole country was in horrible condition, some farmland had gone by unscathed, but most of it had been lit on fire. Every state was completely under the control of invading troops. People were being executed all over the country for making plans to fight back and it was hard to tell which country had specifically invaded us. It seemed like names from China and Russia were most present in the news as invading military leaders, but there were soldiers from all over the world. Various reports spoke of Americas continued conquest to claim the Diamond mines of Africa, so there was no chance of things getting better. We had no contact with the outside world, and it really felt like we were just waiting to die. How could we go back to our regular lives? It was all already over. Life was over.
We started running out of food. I could still find the occasional rodent, or rabbit that had run from somewhere else, thinking this place might be safer than wherever he had come from when the bombs dropped. But the humans needed things out of a can and cooked with fire. So they started going breaking into buildings and empty houses, all the while asking the man who had written the book to forgive them. There was a man in the group that seemed to me to be the alpha. He would read the scratches in the book out loud and tried to make the tracks go somewhere. But when I listened to him it seemed very wrong, the tracks led into a corner. He could see into the scratches better than I could, but he could not even follow his own words for what they were as he read the scratches.
The alpha human changed direction one day though. He read from the back of the book, stories that seemed like the words of a mad man. Stories of destruction and chaos, but the humans listened happily as the man spoke of a time of reckoning. He said that god would soon judge all humans, and take the ones devoted to him. The fire was in the sky and the ash in the air, it was time. But what about me?, I thought Just because I am not human I have to stay in this place? In this war zone? On this planet.
-----
That was all of chapter one, but you only get part of Chptr 2)
Chapter 2: Dont Go Towards the Light
This isnt my war. Thought 35 Year old Charlie Sanchez. Mayor of a small town in East Texas, he wasnt supposed to be leading a group of soldiers. If you could even call them soldiers, this was a militia of any man 18 and older who was willing to pick up a gun. There were only 8 men in the group, and their small tribe totaled 14 including women and children. Charlie looked to his boys and scratched his face, he hadnt had any time to shave since the bombs dropped and it was starting to show. They had already killed 10 invading soldiers in the 2 weeks the war had been going on, but even with the little fighting they had done these men were starting to look worn. Their town was so small that no large forces had come through, at least yet. Hopefully that would last. Most of the houses and buildings around town had been searched for survivors and usable material, but there was still one church and its surrounding area that they hadnt searched yet.
Charlie got his men together, and loaded up in two trucks to begin the scouting mission. He drove the lead truck about twenty miles down some back roads, and stopped in the parking lot of the church. It was a pretty small place, but there were already cars outside. So maybe there were some people who needed help. He signaled silently to some of his men to go around the back of the church, and signaled to another group to follow him to surround the front door as he opened it. But as soon as they got out of the trucks, a dog started barking. Only a moment went by before there was a sudden flash as if lighting had struck and a loud sound like heavy wind. The sound stopped and the dog continued to bark.
Charlie signaled again for everyone to enter strategically, and they moved towards the door. He slammed the door open with a kick to find a dog alone in a single room building, pews stretched to both walls and were in rows filling the building from the front of the stage, to the back. Everything was covered in blood and in the walkway between pews, there was a small pile of dead bodies. The bodies were sliced apart, some missing heads or limbs, which were strewn around the room. The entire floor was drenched in a pool of blood and the walls even had splatter marks, as if whoever had done this had been swinging a blade like a baseball bat. The dog ran up to Charlie and began licking his face. Charlie grabbed him by the collar, and led him out of the church. All anyone could think on the ride back was, Why did this happen in a church? and Is whoever did it still in town?. First things first, Charlie needed to get this dog cleaned up. It had patches of dried blood all over it. This dog had seen some crazy things, and lived through it. And it was going to live through even more crazy shit. So Charlie decided to give him a name The Witness or Thewit for short. So they took him back to town hall, which they had been using as headquarters and used a hose and some shampoo to wash off the dog. So much blood, this war had brought so much death. The men him and his militia and killed, and Whatever happened at the church, Was that even related to the war? he thought, What is going on?. He turned on a radio to listen, it spoke of more death. But just bombs and battles, no crazy Serial murders? Religious Sacrifices? Who are the invaders? he wondered, I had heard Africa in the news, but where in Africa? Theres tons of countries over there. And why? Why are they doing this?. He spoke with his men in hopes to rid them of the visions of what they had seen earlier that day, and left them to be with their families, which were using the offices of the Town Hall as makeshift homes, as he went back into his private room, which had once been his office.
But that night he went to sleep knowing at least this animal had survived. He was able to pull one survivor from the church. Not everyone died in there. But what had it seen? What did Thewit know? And he fell asleep in the middle of those thoughts.
Chapter 2.1: Dont Go Towards the Light
I woke up with my new tribe. The old one had been murdered. I saw it. They wanted to die, but what happened seemed to me like pure execution. The person that killed them, he was different. He was Similar to a human, but much larger. And He was like if you lit a human on fire But brighter like the sun. Thats the only way to describe what he looked like, a human with light bursting from his skin. But bigger than a human. And almost like a bear, ferocious, large, with something that looked like fur or feathers, or possibly even just an extension of the light bursting forth. But even in its ferocity, it had a soft beautiful voice. It sang to the humans, and they bowed to accept their fates. And its head. Its head shone with an amazing ring of light.
That's part of chapter 2, stay tuned for more and please leave comments and critiques.
Book One: Contact
Chapter One: Introduction
I was once a slave. My whole species was enslaved and we didnt even realize it at first. They fed us, gave us homes, and loved us. But they allowed us no freedoms, we had no voice in any matters concerning our planet. They never once offered to educate us, or any of our children. They separated our families, bred and inbred us to fit their desires. For the longest time we all thought it was ok. But they didnt allow us much room to think, they never even taught us to speak with words like we do now. But the story of my peoples struggles over these hurdles is a whole other story unto itself. We are but one piece in this giant puzzle.
I once had a master. A human. He had a high voice for a male, and he always smelled like leather. His skin was light. (Everyone thinks were color blind, but we just dont notice them as much as your kind does. Its not that we dont see the colors, its that we dont care enough to note the difference.) The strangest thing about him was that he read the same book every day. It was just a tiny book that fit in his pocket, and it ended up being what killed him. He would bow to his master, and everyday it confused me. He was the master, wasnt he? Why did he need this book? And what did the scratches in it mean? They didnt smell like anything that I could say was spectacular, they were just some kind of strange footprints that didnt lead anywhere. Most of my kind wouldnt ask questions like that. Most of us just accept the food and water we are given, wait to be scratched on the head, and do whatever were told. But my mother wasnt inbred like most of these ferals, I was a mut. Im proud to say none of my family has pedigrees. So I was curious, I asked myself these questions. The world was so strange, I had never been anywhere without my master, and had hardly been outside of the house that he owned. But every day, no matter what he did, he read that book. When the bombs hit, he would say that the book saved him, and the man that had written the book protected him. America thought it was so powerful then, looking back now I can see how long it was on the edge of disaster, waiting to crumble. But the whole time it was happening, those humans thought they were on top of the world. But who could tell them they werent?? No one knew what to do about anything.
Commercials talked about how millions of children all over the world were starving everyday and still countries everywhere could afford to send out machines of war to continue the slaughter. Africa had been in turmoil forever and the Middle East was past its boiling point. America took matters into its own hands, and overstepped its bounds. They wanted to secure diamond mines and oil fields, so they killed everyone in their way. And by assassinating an African warlord without declaring war, America had successfully started World War III. That part I learned later, they didnt tell us about the war on the news. They acted like we could do no wrong, and we had done no wrong. We were safe, in the greatest country in the world. The first thing we heard were the explosions. It sounded like lightning, striking very nearby. My master opened the door and we ran outside. It smelled like fire, in the distance you could see clouds of debris, and I dont know if the humans could hear it, but there were planes and gunfire not too far away. I barked a signal to see if there was anyone I could communicate with who was experiencing this also, and I heard someone signal back. This was really happening.
My master took me back inside, and asked his book for help. He got on his knees, and begged for the man who wrote it to protect him. I watched in amazement. Even now, when the sky is on fire and the smell of fresh blood is in the air, this human reads this book. After a long while he got up, gathered some things and went outside to our car. I thought we would be getting away from our territory, I had plenty of things I would miss, but my instincts told me to get out of there. This is when I really started thinking humans werent the smartest people on the planet. My master drove to the place that they gathered to talk about the book, and there were other people there. I knew all other animals in the area were running, flying, and crawling away. But these humans were gathering in a building to talk about a book.
Our first couple of nights there, we ate what we had brought in the car. When they tried turning on the televisions nothing was on, but the radios were still working and talking about the war. The whole country was in horrible condition, some farmland had gone by unscathed, but most of it had been lit on fire. Every state was completely under the control of invading troops. People were being executed all over the country for making plans to fight back and it was hard to tell which country had specifically invaded us. It seemed like names from China and Russia were most present in the news as invading military leaders, but there were soldiers from all over the world. Various reports spoke of Americas continued conquest to claim the Diamond mines of Africa, so there was no chance of things getting better. We had no contact with the outside world, and it really felt like we were just waiting to die. How could we go back to our regular lives? It was all already over. Life was over.
We started running out of food. I could still find the occasional rodent, or rabbit that had run from somewhere else, thinking this place might be safer than wherever he had come from when the bombs dropped. But the humans needed things out of a can and cooked with fire. So they started going breaking into buildings and empty houses, all the while asking the man who had written the book to forgive them. There was a man in the group that seemed to me to be the alpha. He would read the scratches in the book out loud and tried to make the tracks go somewhere. But when I listened to him it seemed very wrong, the tracks led into a corner. He could see into the scratches better than I could, but he could not even follow his own words for what they were as he read the scratches.
The alpha human changed direction one day though. He read from the back of the book, stories that seemed like the words of a mad man. Stories of destruction and chaos, but the humans listened happily as the man spoke of a time of reckoning. He said that god would soon judge all humans, and take the ones devoted to him. The fire was in the sky and the ash in the air, it was time. But what about me?, I thought Just because I am not human I have to stay in this place? In this war zone? On this planet.
-----
That was all of chapter one, but you only get part of Chptr 2)
Chapter 2: Dont Go Towards the Light
This isnt my war. Thought 35 Year old Charlie Sanchez. Mayor of a small town in East Texas, he wasnt supposed to be leading a group of soldiers. If you could even call them soldiers, this was a militia of any man 18 and older who was willing to pick up a gun. There were only 8 men in the group, and their small tribe totaled 14 including women and children. Charlie looked to his boys and scratched his face, he hadnt had any time to shave since the bombs dropped and it was starting to show. They had already killed 10 invading soldiers in the 2 weeks the war had been going on, but even with the little fighting they had done these men were starting to look worn. Their town was so small that no large forces had come through, at least yet. Hopefully that would last. Most of the houses and buildings around town had been searched for survivors and usable material, but there was still one church and its surrounding area that they hadnt searched yet.
Charlie got his men together, and loaded up in two trucks to begin the scouting mission. He drove the lead truck about twenty miles down some back roads, and stopped in the parking lot of the church. It was a pretty small place, but there were already cars outside. So maybe there were some people who needed help. He signaled silently to some of his men to go around the back of the church, and signaled to another group to follow him to surround the front door as he opened it. But as soon as they got out of the trucks, a dog started barking. Only a moment went by before there was a sudden flash as if lighting had struck and a loud sound like heavy wind. The sound stopped and the dog continued to bark.
Charlie signaled again for everyone to enter strategically, and they moved towards the door. He slammed the door open with a kick to find a dog alone in a single room building, pews stretched to both walls and were in rows filling the building from the front of the stage, to the back. Everything was covered in blood and in the walkway between pews, there was a small pile of dead bodies. The bodies were sliced apart, some missing heads or limbs, which were strewn around the room. The entire floor was drenched in a pool of blood and the walls even had splatter marks, as if whoever had done this had been swinging a blade like a baseball bat. The dog ran up to Charlie and began licking his face. Charlie grabbed him by the collar, and led him out of the church. All anyone could think on the ride back was, Why did this happen in a church? and Is whoever did it still in town?. First things first, Charlie needed to get this dog cleaned up. It had patches of dried blood all over it. This dog had seen some crazy things, and lived through it. And it was going to live through even more crazy shit. So Charlie decided to give him a name The Witness or Thewit for short. So they took him back to town hall, which they had been using as headquarters and used a hose and some shampoo to wash off the dog. So much blood, this war had brought so much death. The men him and his militia and killed, and Whatever happened at the church, Was that even related to the war? he thought, What is going on?. He turned on a radio to listen, it spoke of more death. But just bombs and battles, no crazy Serial murders? Religious Sacrifices? Who are the invaders? he wondered, I had heard Africa in the news, but where in Africa? Theres tons of countries over there. And why? Why are they doing this?. He spoke with his men in hopes to rid them of the visions of what they had seen earlier that day, and left them to be with their families, which were using the offices of the Town Hall as makeshift homes, as he went back into his private room, which had once been his office.
But that night he went to sleep knowing at least this animal had survived. He was able to pull one survivor from the church. Not everyone died in there. But what had it seen? What did Thewit know? And he fell asleep in the middle of those thoughts.
Chapter 2.1: Dont Go Towards the Light
I woke up with my new tribe. The old one had been murdered. I saw it. They wanted to die, but what happened seemed to me like pure execution. The person that killed them, he was different. He was Similar to a human, but much larger. And He was like if you lit a human on fire But brighter like the sun. Thats the only way to describe what he looked like, a human with light bursting from his skin. But bigger than a human. And almost like a bear, ferocious, large, with something that looked like fur or feathers, or possibly even just an extension of the light bursting forth. But even in its ferocity, it had a soft beautiful voice. It sang to the humans, and they bowed to accept their fates. And its head. Its head shone with an amazing ring of light.
That's part of chapter 2, stay tuned for more and please leave comments and critiques.
