DSB, I'm sorry to hear what you have went through. I too lost my dad 2 years ago(fucking cancer). We were really close. I grew up working with him, and even after I moved out we still spent close to 80% of weekends doing odd hobbies together and shit, all through my 20's. He was a big kid at heart.
In 2008, he was diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 lung cancer, after multiple visits to doctors about neck pain. Was never a smoker except the occasional cigar while we fished. The next 18 months were rushed with chemo and radiation, but to no avail. He stayed positive throughout the entire deal. After the last round of chemo, and a waiting period to get another scan of it after the scar tissue had subsided a little, they told us that there was nothing more they could do. Mind you, he was 54 and still lived a very active life, minus weight and hair loss, and the 2-3 bad days following a chemo treatment. But, the cancer had won.
The next 3 months were a downward spiral. Luckily my job allowed me to take personal leave of almost 2 months, to be there with him. Over the last week of his life, I don't think I have ever I had such a hurt and despair inside. This was literally my best friend, my hero, dieing in front of me. I too changed his diapers and administered his medicine. We had a great Hospice nurse who came out to the middle of nowhere every evening to help us and let us know what to expect. I stayed awake by his bed his last 3 nights here. He last spoke to me in the middle of the night, 18hrs before he died, and those are words that will forever be ingrained in me.
I was lying next to him, holding his hand when he took his last breath. His suffering was over. Through all of the emotion and hurt inside, I felt a wave of peace, like something filled a hole that was growing inside of me. To this day, I don't remember the man who was withered to nothing in that bed by cancer; I remember the young at heart, family-loving big kid that was my dad.
DSB, you
must pull out the positives in times like these. If his death has upset you this much, then there is no doubt you have plenty of positives to rest your head on. And whether its here, or with family and friends, talk about it. I would imagine there is someone else in your family who feels the same, and could use a shoulder to lean on also. The pain will never really go away, but you can outweigh it.
I have upset myself now, must go to bed. DSB, good luck man, it
will get better with time.