A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a Civil engineer?

Mechanical engineers build weapons, Civil engineers build targets.

How do you torture an engineer?
...You strip him, duct-tape him to a chair ... then fold a map wrong RIGHT in front of him.

How does an engineer deal with constipation?
Like anything else ... he works it out with a pencil.
cn

Brick Top said:

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?

Good morning ladies.

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LOL I think I heard that one for the first time about 40 years ago

The Cryptkeeper said:

"All right, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?", "Ah-ha!". "Ah-ha!".

What do you know from funny, ya bastard...

Click to expand...

On a related note:

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Sorry if it's been posted already, haven't got thru 'em all yet lol

cannabineer said:

Not funny - !?!? Harumph. I say again, haRUMph. I rather liked it. cn
(never a worry ... i know you were referring to your following text. But how can I refuse the opening?)
...I wonder how they know when to drop the pack in blackout conditions.

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I wuzgunna edit that but I said "Fuck it, give cn something to bitch about."
Probably drop the pack as soon as they leave the plane, they're floating alone in air at low altitude anyway.

cannabineer said:

A penguin was driving through the Mojave, when his Riviera developed concerns. He got it to one of those pustnuclear-movie-set service stations out beyond the middle of nowhere, where a weathered and disturbingly asymmetric desert mutant in overalls set forth to diagnose his car. While mystery noises were floating in from the service bay, the penguin decided that the ice cream chest in the office looked promising. He consumed a vanilla cone, but (being a penguin) the evolution was somewhat messy. While he looked for something resembling a napkin, Overalls popped his head into the office to declare
"Well, it looks to me like you blew a seal."
The penguin held his flippers up in a warding motion and squeaked
"No, no ... it was just ice cream!"
cn

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That is, by far, the most creative version of that joke I've ever heard.

I've gone through this entire thread and I don't believe I've seen the "Trunk Monkey" videos . Here's a link to a compilation, very funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCUBxgdKZ_Y

tet1953 said:

On a related note:

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Sorry if it's been posted already, haven't got thru 'em all yet lol

Click to expand...

This is a true story and probably the origin of that joke which I got from a biography Of General Patton. A link to "Pics that make you LOL":

https://www.rollitup.org/toke-n-talk/224459-pix-make-you-lol-warning-1143.html

herbose said:

That is, by far, the most creative version of that joke I've ever heard.

I've gone through this entire thread and I don't believe I've seen the "Trunk Monkey" videos . Here's a link to a compilation, very funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCUBxgdKZ_Y

Click to expand...

I really do appreciate that, herbose. cn

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problem and document their repairs; pilots then review the sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Following are some maintenance concerns by pilots and solutions by maintenance engineers:

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
M: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Unable to reproduce this problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: Radio volume unbelievably loud.
M: Radio volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.

P: Radar inoperative in OFF mode.
M: Radar always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
My own alternate reply: Handles replaced. hb

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *** me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law right now in this very courtroom.

herbose said:

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problem and document their repairs; pilots then review the sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Following are some maintenance concerns by pilots and solutions by maintenance engineers:

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
M: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Unable to reproduce this problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: Radio volume unbelievably loud.
M: Radio volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.

P: Radar inoperative in OFF mode.
M: Radar always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

Click to expand...

I run across this every year or so and it's always just as funny as it was the first time. I was actually going to look for this one in my emails. And I *LOVE* the trunk money commercials!!

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs -
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, big boobs, and like cars.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how
deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Wow! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw some of these great big
Rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the
Hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on His face and
says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT thing in, it's GOTTA Make some
noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a Sound comes from
the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes
toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it.
Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles Over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped
into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. MY goat is chained to a railroad tie.

potpimp said:

I run across this every year or so and it's always just as funny as it was the first time. I was actually going to look for this one in my emails. And I *LOVE* the trunk money commercials!!

Click to expand...

I posted an addition to that one:

P: Airplane handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Alternative: Handles replaced.

I've posted this one before but for those who may not have heard it, it's a gem.


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog???"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks!

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks"?

"Yes," St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin' to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck"?

The one who had done it admitted, "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

"I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this"?

The woman responded, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

</B></I></U>

Does anyone know what you call a black man in a cockpit?


HEY!
Don't be racist, he's called a pilot.

a guy is shopping in a supermarket and he goes to pay for his stuff. he reaches into his basket and pulls out a tv dinner, some lotion, and a titty mag and puts them on the counter.


cashier: single, huh?

guy: how can you tell?

cashier: you're fucking ugly.

Total Head said:

a guy is shopping in a supermarket and he goes to pay for his stuff. he reaches into his basket and pulls out a tv dinner, some lotion, and a titty mag and puts them on the counter.


cashier: single, huh?

guy: how can you tell?

cashier: you're fucking ugly.

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too fookin funny

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'