A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

ohmy

Well-Known Member
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them.
I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it…it took a step away.
I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt.
A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer– no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.
As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison.
I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer.
At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go.
A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.
I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet.
They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse -strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.
In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.
I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.
What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
 

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A guy from the hills of Tennessee got married and the next morning his dad walks out of his house and finds his son sitting on the front porch. The son says, want to go fishing, daddy? The father says yes so they go fishing and after about an hour with neither saying a word the father asked, son, you know I am always glad to see you and you know I love fishing, but why aren't you on your honeymoon with your wife? The son said, well, daddy, I was, but when we got to the motel I found out that she is a virgin. The father said, so, what's so bad about that? The son replied, heck, daddy, if she's not good enough for her own family she's sure as Hell not good enough for ours.
 

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Do you know what the difference is between making love to a hooker, a mistress or a wife is?

A hooker says, hurry up, hurry up.

A mistress says, take your time, take your time.

A wife says, beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.
 

DSB65

Well-Known Member
What do a Turtle and a Pedophile have in common?
They both want to get there before the 'hair' does.
 

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A 35 year old guy that had never had a single date in his life decides he wants to get married but he doesn't know what to look for in a woman so he asks his priest. The priest says, my son, find a woman who takes short little steps. That is a sign that she is pure, that she is untouched. The guy finds a woman, asks her to marry him, she says yes so they get married and head off on their honeymoon. The following day the guy shows up at the church, finds the priest and hits him in the nose and knocks him down. The priest's nose was bleeding and he looked up at the guy and said, my son, why are you so angry? The guy said, remember what you said about picking a woman who took short little steps? The priest said, yes, and you did just that. The guy said, yes, but she had to take short little steps because if she took big steps her guts would fall out.
 

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A guy goes to his doctor to learn the results of some tests that were done. The doctor said, I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I have some bad news. You have alzheimers and you have cancer. The man replied, gee, that is bad. But at least I don't have cancer.
 

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There was an 88-year old man and an 86-year old woman living in the same nursing home. Every night after dinner they would meet in the garden and sit on a bench and the old woman would hold the old man's cock. One night the old man didn't show up. Then the next night he didn't show up. After another night of him not showing up the old women found him and asked why he wasn't meeting her anymore. He said, I've been sitting with Mrs. Phillips instead of sitting with you. The old woman asked, why are you sitting with her instead of me? The old man replied, she has Parkinson's Disease.
 

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A little boy with a speech impediment was going trick or treating dressed as a pirate. He had a three cornered hat, an eye patch, a wooden sword and a fake parrot on his shoulder. He walked up to the first door, rang the doorbell and when a woman opened the door he yelled, brick or breat! The woman said, what? Again the little boy said brick or breat! Once again the woman said, what? The little boy said, BRICK OR BREAT! The woman said, oh, trick or treat and the little boy nodded yes. The woman asked, so, what are you little man? The little boy said, I'm a birate. The woman said, what? The little boy said, I'M A BIRATE as he pointed at his three cornered hat, eye patch, wooden sword and fake parrot. The woman said, oh, you're a pirate, and the little boy nodded yes again. The woman noticed that the little boy was alone so she asked, if you're a pirate, where's you buccaneers? The little by said, what? Again the woman asked, where's your buccaneers? The little boy pointed at his ears and said, here's my buckin ears, lady. Where's your buckin eyes?
 

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Little Bobby and little Suzy were third graders and one day after school Suzy came up to Bobby and said, Bobby, today at recess I heard some older boys talking and they used a word that I don't know. I thought that with you being a boy maybe you could tell me what the word means. Bobby said, if I know what the word means I will tell you, Suzy. What's the word? Suzy said, the word is penis. Bobby said, gee, Suzy, I never heard that word before, I don't know what it means, but I'll ask my dad tonight, he knows everything. That night Bobby went up to his dad and said, Daddy, today at school I heard a word that I never heard before and I don't know what it means. Will you tell me what the word means? He father replied, sure son, what's the word? The word is penis, said Bobby. Bobby's father replied, son, I could tell you what penis means but it would be better if I showed you. The two went into the bathroom and Bobby's father dropped his pants and said, son, this is a penis. And if I might add, it's the perfect penis. Bobby stared a moment and then said, gee dad, thanks. The next morning when Bobby got to school Suzy was waiting for him. Suzy ran up to him and asked, did you ask your daddy what the word means? Did he tell you what penis is? Bobby said, yes, he told me. Suzy said, tell me Bobby, what does penis mean? Bobby replied, I'll tell you at recess, Suzy. At recess Suzy ran up to Bobby and said, tell me Bobby, tell me what penis means. Bobby said, Suzy, I could tell you but it would be better if I showed you. The two went behind the school and Bobby dropped his pants and said, Suzy, this is a penis. And if I might add, if it were three inches shorter it would be the perfect penis.
 

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General Custer's widow decided that she wanted a painting done that would capture her husband's last thought before he died. She went to a world famous artist and said what she wanted and that she wanted it to be large enough to cover an entire wall of her home. The artist thought about it a few moments and said he could do it, but it would take him several months to paint something on that scale. When the painting was complete Mrs. Custer went to the artist's studio and sat in a chair in front of a large covered canvas. The artist removed the cover and Mrs. Custer stared at the painting and was puzzled. It was a landscape of the Little Big Horn and in the sky there was a large cow with a halo and all over the Little Big Horn there were Indians having sex. The artist asked Mrs. Custer what she thought. She said, I think you misunderstood me. I wanted a painting that captured my late husband's last living thought. The artist replied, I know, and that is exactly what I have done. Mrs. Custer said, well, then would you mind explaining it to me? The artist said your husband's last thought could only have been, holy cow, look at all the fucking Indians!
 

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There was a bookkeeper who was a little guy, only 115 pounds, and one day he walked into a whorehouse. The madam asked him what he was interested in and he said, I want the biggest blackest whore you have in the place. The madam looked at the little guy and said, I have a really big black woman, but are you sure that is what you want? The little guy said, yep, the bigger and blacker she is the better it will be. The madam said, OK, top of the stairs, second door on the right. The little guy goes into the room and he finds a gigantic woman filling the entire bed and she's blacker than the inside of a cow's stomach at midnight. She pulled off the sheet that was covering her and spread her legs and the little guy walked to the foot of the bed and looked at her for a bit. Then he went to one side of the room and looked at her a while and then he went to the other side of the room and looked a while longer. Next he grabbed a chair and put it next to a dresser and climbed on the dresser and looked down at her. The whore said, look buddy, it's your time to spend like you want, you paid for it, but the time is limited so if you want to fuck we need to get going. The little guy said, oh, you have the wrong idea, I'm not here to fuck. Its just that my wife wants to paint the house black with pink shutters and I wanted to see what it would look like.
 
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