How Not To Grow Dope

Killa Man said:

Im sorry but you a are a fuckin nerd guy...one of those growing elitist who spend their life earning on growing equipment..not everybody will devote there life to growing like you...some probably spent less time and money on it and turned out to yield more than you..stop being a snooty hewer and get over yourself you chump bitch ass motherfuckerin slut rag

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Ya know you pointed out that Al makes his living off grow equipment & he has said that many times here so thats no big secret,the irony of the statement you threw at him is this,most of the people (read teenagers here) that he makes fun of come here with that exact same dream in mind,they have 14 seeds they saved up,2 cfl bulbs they stole from mom's lamps & an old heater from dads's garage & they dream of being a weed baron.

Instead of being all pissed off at Al because he pokes fun at these kids take a look around & see where he got all this comedy from,right here on this site,i like to think of it as reality comedy cause all the shit he makes fun of is 100% true.

Fukin guy deserves an oscar for this thread.

tusseltussel said:

could it have been from this thread.... the first post

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No, it was orginally from someones grow journal. This is the 2nd place I seen it, thats why I brought it up

panhead said:

Ya know you pointed out that Al makes his living off grow equipment & he has said that many times here so thats no big secret,the irony of the statement you threw at him is this,most of the people (read teenagers here) that he makes fun of come here with that exact same dream in mind,they have 14 seeds they saved up,2 cfl bulbs they stole from mom's lamps & an old heater from dads's garage & they dream of being a weed baron.

Instead of being all pissed off at Al because he pokes fun at these kids take a look around & see where he got all this comedy from,right here on this site,i like to think of it as reality comedy cause all the shit he makes fun of is 100% true.

Fukin guy deserves an oscar for this thread.

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Thats very true, most of the comedy he got was from this webiste. Lol

Good job man, it was a fun read. He does deserve a oscar

ok heres my comedy sorry for stealing the sprout thing!! hope u guys enjoy!!
when i was 14 i wanted to become escobar!!! but i had to make my way up!! i knew i needed money or i wouldnt have power so i decided to go on a mythical encounter!! i decided i was smarter than the world all together so i decided to start in the weed baron business!! i went to my dealer and asked him for seeds he got out a baggy with swag and cleaned out all the weed kept it for himself and i paid for the seeds i got!! i had 200 seeds and looked for a field couldnt find one as i couldnt go too far away from my house as i was 14 so i decided to plant them in my back yard!! i watered the grass and sprinkled my 200 seeds on top after 3 weeks 4 of them had sprouted so i gave them water every day to make them big 3 of them died in the first week the fourth was eaten by the cat!! had to go back to my dealer to buy seeds he pulled out the baggy i paid for it he kept the weed and i got the precious seeds!! read about a paper towel technique so went to the store to buy a paper towel shit those peeps must have been lying i only see cloth towels!! anyways remembered school experiment with cotton and water so placed 400 seeds in a party cup on a wet cotton!! after three days 10 had sprouted placed them in plastic cups with soil from back yard and watered!! grass was still growing in soil so took weed killer from moms gardening supplies to kill the weeds after ten days all weeds were dead including mj how could this be?? so i went to my dealer to buy more seeds this time i bought 1000 seeds no more fuckups and im behind on conquering the world schedule!! so decided i wouldnt wait on the environment and i would grow indoors!! i had a small truck toy i had from when i was young so i decided to convert it into a patio!! i had a superman cape from halloween which i made into a tent!! i couldnt have my parents find out so i built it under my bed!!! hehe no way theyl find my garden there!!!! i didnt have much height to grow so i had to do something drastic!! i went on a forum and read about his aero gardener wow i said i can grow in air!!!!!!!!!!!! so i planted my seeds in the air ontop of my carpet and under my bed watered and waited!! i saw roots on 400 out of the 1000 seeds i had so i guessed things were going well!! as i wanted my weed to be the most potent i started reading on feeding schedules!! no money since pocket money is 10$ a week and my milk cost 2$ a day so had to improvise i read about piss and cow castings since i didnt own cows hehe im only 14 i decided to use my own castings the site said to place in soil for a year but i dint have the time so i pissed on my plants and shit on them for their nutes!! my room started smelling like a turkish bathroom but thats the price u pay!! two days later all seedlings were dead and my mom found my poop under the bed i was grounded for two months so cant go buy more seeds il update when i can go outside again !!!!

dude that was some funny stuff ahhaahahaa poop on your plants hahaha

commented to subscribe, this is funny shit lol

Funny stuff.

panhead, I'm surprised you put so much effort into the obvious troll being obvious, but hey, I'll run with it.

panhead said:

Ya know you pointed out that Al makes his living off grow equipment & he has said that many times here so thats no big secret,

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Well, yes and no. I do have commercial accts at a few hydroponics equipment wholesalers and used to resell grow gear to a few growers I know. However, one of my gear clients passed away about 2 years ago and the others have moved on. So, I'm not reselling grow gear to anyone at the moment. My website work and the grow op are keeping me afloat these days.

the irony of the statement you threw at him is this,most of the people (read teenagers here) that he makes fun of come here with that exact same dream in mind,they have 14 seeds they saved up,2 cfl bulbs they stole from mom's lamps & an old heater from dads's garage & they dream of being a weed baron.

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Yep, that's the nut. There's waves and waves of jokers with a few seeds and some CFLs from the grocery who reckon that 'it's just a weed, so this growing thing will be a cake walk.' Only a few folx truly get it- that there's some learning and planning in this pursuit. If you fail to plan, plan to fail.

Instead of being all pissed off at Al because he pokes fun at these kids take a look around & see where he got all this comedy from,right here on this site,i like to think of it as reality comedy cause all the shit he makes fun of is 100% true.

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The inspiration for Stoney is actually about 97% true facts. I made up about 3% of it. I'll let the savvy readers work out which is the utterly bogus 3%.

Fukin guy deserves an oscar for this thread.

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Oh, I agree.

funny stuff

Pure Hilarity!!!

Super funny dude

Weve got to have some more?

pretty please

Al B. Fuct said:

panhead, I'm surprised you put so much effort into the obvious troll being obvious, but hey, I'll run with it.



Well, yes and no. I do have commercial accts at a few hydroponics equipment wholesalers and used to resell grow gear to a few growers I know. However, one of my gear clients passed away about 2 years ago and the others have moved on. So, I'm not reselling grow gear to anyone at the moment. My website work and the grow op are keeping me afloat these days.



Yep, that's the nut. There's waves and waves of jokers with a few seeds and some CFLs from the grocery who reckon that 'it's just a weed, so this growing thing will be a cake walk.' Only a few folx truly get it- that there's some learning and planning in this pursuit. If you fail to plan, plan to fail.


The inspiration for Stoney is actually about 97% true facts. I made up about 3% of it. I'll let the savvy readers work out which is the utterly bogus 3%.



Oh, I agree.

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got a electric wireing ? i am told by a lumatek ballest seller not to hook a neutral wire for ballest said it will malfunction if u do. does this make sense to u?

Al B. Fuct said:

Well, I do have to admit that this (somewhat fictionalised) bit was prompted by newbie posts, particularly the ones where the newb has planted their seeds and then gone out looking for information on how to grow. Sort of like getting roaring stoned and then going out looking for the party.

The most frustrating posts to deal with for REALLY experienced forum writers fall into two basic categories:

1) Newbie posts incredibly broad queries like "OK, I want poundage, how do I grow plants? What is soil? Why can't I use halogen motorcycle fog lights to grow poundage?! WHY AREN'T YOU LAZY FUCKIN' BASTARDS ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS, AREN'T YOU HERE TO SERVE ME?!"

2) Newbies who KNOW they are already weed barons, by virtue of reading a 35 year old growbook, who then go on to enthusiastically offer incredibly bad advice to the newer newbies, leaving the whole schlemozzle to be cleaned up by the REALLY knowledgeable crew, only for the really experienced posters to be told by the somewhat-new-newbies that the advice they've just given is TOTALLY WRONG cos it doesn't match what was said in the 35 year old grow book.

Anyone got any spare birth control pills to feminise my plants?

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AHAHAHAHAHAHAH this was a great thread, i didnt even get past this part, i had to say something, i read this in the 2nd edition The grow something...i cant remember if its bible or guide, but somewhere in there they said to use birth control pills to help with making the plant lean more towards female than male.

johnq said:

i use human guano for cheaper fertz. anyone else tried this?

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Al B. Fuct said:

Human faeces are known among gardeners as 'night soil.' You don't want to go do a poo in your garden patch, though. All manures must be composted before use on plants, at least a year or so.

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johnq said:

good to know, maybe thats why my dope always tasted like shit.

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Perfectly executed, guys.

This is a great list; what's next, Al? Subscribed.

C2C

southern homegrower said:

got a electric wireing ? i am told by a lumatek ballest seller not to hook a neutral wire for ballest said it will malfunction if u do. does this make sense to u?

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No. S'crap.

Tell your seller he's a lot safer just taking your money for the ballast and not offering any electrical wiring advice which he's pretty obviously not qualified to offer.

NeoAnarchist said:

i read this in the 2nd edition The grow something...i cant remember if its bible or guide, but somewhere in there they said to use birth control pills to help with making the plant lean more towards female than male.

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Whoever wrote that was well on their way to being a w33d b4R0n.

Cuttings2Colas said:

Perfectly executed, guys.

This is a great list; what's next, Al? Subscribed.

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I hear Stoney's up to some bullshit about electrolysing hydrogen & oxygen out of water with his car's charging system and piping it back into the engine so he can get 300mpg or some such shit. I reckon that if the explosion from the backfire doesn't kill Stoney, the drop in fuel economy will. Stoney simply can't resist a good scam, though...

how about baby food? insomil or infamil or whatever eh eh? dude did you see that ingredient list wow!

great post...

hehehe

hey all. this stuffs funny. i'm a new to this thing, but i've learned over the years that learning what's the wrong way can be beneficial on the road to the right, or at least what's acceptable, ways of doing anything. and reading this from beginning to end was helpfull, and humorous. i found i know more than i thought i did. if i laughed i must have known it was wrong because it was stupid, huh? anyway on to a question, or whatever it could be called... maybe a statement/question/story... i'm looking for someone who maybe knows what this amounts to here, somebody with knowledge about the subject, and the story i think needs to be told because it involves a ''myth'' repeated on this site over and over. i've been lurking here for awhile and read it in a few places... so...

about 20-25 years ago a bunch of us used to party in a large park in a city every summer. at and near a lake. we'd move operations around to avoid the law. we'd go to one spot or the other identified by a name like ''the big oak'' or ''the point'' or whatever so we all new where to meet up. a lot of alchohol and weed and other stuff flowed into these spots. different seeds were tossed around like garbage as you would imagine. well after awhile we all moved on to other things and stopped going there. now it's 20 years later and i figured i'd do some reminiscing. i went by a couple ''spots'' and got to thinking about all those seeds getting tossed around and started looking for plants. first three or four areas didn't have anything i could see and i figured they must have been found or something because theres no way non grew in it. it's all old farm land made into a city park, you know. then i remmembered a spot that was only used for a little bit called ''the pond''. we were there maybe a week or two the last summer and never used it after that because of too many bugs.

i tromped through the woods and that and found a path near it. i followed the path and it basicly went right to it. there's a huge wild berry patch up from there and i assumed people use it to get there. anyway, i started looking around where the picnic table was we brought there and didn't see anything at first. i was bummed because i remembered some dude i never saw before came down there with some really good, and i mean really good, skunk. he was bragging it up and gave me a couple tokes. i was blasted. shit smelled like nothing i smelled before or since, and i smoked a few things in my years. it tasted like a sweet evergreen combined with a grenade. i agreed with him and said he should brag. it was awsome. he kept calling it some special name and for the life of me i can't remember what it was. you know those name's. skunk#1, sweet hollow, you know...that stuff. anyway, i started looking around some more and saw a broad five leaf dark green jagged edge plant. but it was weird and no weed like i ever seen growing. i've seen some over the years, had some friends that grew it, seen it wild. plenty of pictures of course. i kept looking at it and decided to look for more i found about 6 plants just off the path and looked around at a distance and found nothing like it aways away. but there was other plants like other plants near the jagged edge plants just not more of the jagged ones. so i went back a plucked a leaf off and fried it with a lighter. i smelled like a burning leaf. but it was wet and new so i took one with me as i left.

i brought it home and let it dry a couple days and then fried it again in my bathroom. i left right way as it burned in the ashtray and came back in a few minutes. sure enough it had that heavy, heady smell of weed. while it was drying i was on the net and found this site with keywords that described what i was seeing, just to see if what i saw existed. there was descriptions of it here and other places but all just basicly blew it off as a myth or it needed special tecniques to get it or it got it's name from or as a result of another myth and so on. after i read the posts and confirmed it really was the can i went back to look at it again. it was still there and growing. and i started looking around further into the brush and found a BUNCH more. theres at least a hundred or more plants growing there that i could see. all five leaf, broad and dark green. the strange thing is, these plants are growing like a fucking vine. not straight up. not even a little bit. skinny stalks with clumps of leaves spaced about 4 inches apart and shoots coming out of clumps of leaves forming new ones. they are growing up surrounding plants and small trees like they are using them for support, and along the ground, snakeing through and over the foliage. none are really that big yet but they are getting bigger every time i go there. now everything i have read about this says it's a ''myth'', or you have to ''train'' them to grow like that, or it's a myth related to ''creeper'' weed being a vine, blah, blah. nowhere have i read of anyone knowing they really exist ''for sure''. keep in mind this area is not too far off the beaten path. right on it actually. i took the time to kill the plants right on it and left the ones off the path intact for obvious reasons. the really funny thing is about ten years or maybe less i was fishing about fifty yards from that spot and smelled a skunk. i passed it off as an owl that ate one because the smell was there and then it was just gone. that's common with an owl. but now i wonder if i missed out the last several years on some really good smoke. DOH!!

ok. my questions. can anyone relate? do you remember a name? anyone ever seen this? is this more common than people let on? comments please.

I'm not sure what your asking...but you can keep a marijuana plant for as long as you can keep it alive. I know a person that has had her plant for 30 years...it looks different then a normal pot plant since she has harvested it several times.

The vine like pattren sounds odd...only thing I can think of is that the plants are all intertwined together...and it's a darkend area where the plants are stretching like crazy to find light.