What was the catalyst...? what sparked the insite?
I had to think about if i was going to respond to this for a bit.
My insight was brought on by the death of one of my children,my wife & i were still trying to deal with the grief when i decided that the best thing for me was to dive into my work with both feet,i started working 14 hours a day 7 days a week,this went on for close to a year,it helped me forget.
At the same time my wife's mental state was getting worse but i couldnt see it because i was gone all the time,she had been put on tranquilizers,zanax & a few other things to help her keep calm,this i knew but i wasnt aware of how poorly they were working for her & how bad her mental state was getting.
I woke up out of bed at 3am on the morning of my 36th bday to take a leak & get a drink, when i got up my wife was not in the bed,after getting a drink i started to look around the house for her,all the cars were there but she was gone,i decided to look in the basement,i opened the basement door & found her slumped down on the stairs,i could not wake her up & she was barely breathing,i called 911 & got her to the hospital.
The ER docs figured out that she had slowly & methodicly taken a massive overdose of pills trying to kill herself,they pumped her stomache & gave her some crap to help her wake up but she lapsed into a coma,the doc's told us that if she woke up she could have serious brain damage,paralasis (spellling) or a bunch of other bad stuff,our family doc told us to prepare for the worst.
A few days later me & one of my sons were sitting at my home having coffee & talking about whats next when he noticed something,all my wife's coats were missing from the coat rack,we started looking in her closet & dressers & they were all empty,we found all of her clothing & personal items in the basement,all neatly box'ed up & stacked in the storage room,on top of the box'es was a manilla envelope,inside were letters that she had wrote,one for each of us explaining that she could not take the agony of our son's death any longer & that she was sorry for leaving us another mess but she had to go be with our son.
All at once it hit me like a flash,where the fuck was i when she was getting so bad & why hadn't i noticed any of this,later that night at the hospital before i left to go home i told her i was sorry for not being there to help her with her grief,i went home & tried to sleep.
I passed out after killing about half a bottle of vodka & had a nightmare that she died & once again i wasnt there,i called the hospital to check on her & they said all was the same with no change,so now im sitting there in the dark thinking about stuff,i was attracted to her at first from her looks,she was a footwear model when she was younger & very attractive,she still is & has kept her figure all these years but looks were my last thought,i started thinking about all the qualities she had that were so important to me,looks never came into my mind.
I said a prayer for my wife to be ok & went back to the hospital,i checked in on her,sat with her for a while then went to the hospital caffateria for breakfast,i just sat down to eat some runny ass egg's when i got paged over the PA system to come to the nurses station,fuk that, i booked straight to her room thinking she was gone,when i got there she had a doctor & 2 nurses messsing with her & i couldnt see her face so i pushed them aside & saw her with her eye's open,when she saw me she gave a small smile,i cried like a baby.
It took her about 48 hours to fully snap out of the effects of the drugs & to come back to a normal state,we talked while she was still in the hospital & she was afraid to come home for fear she would do it again,walking past our son's bedroom was hell on her,i left the hospital that day & called a friend of mine in real estate & told him to find me a new home asap, then made arrangements for my wife to go to her sisters house for a while.
We bought the new home & i took the next 6 months off work & spent it with her talking about our son,i kept her busy by taking her on a few vacations & we toured a bunch on the Harley to keep her mind on good things,not to mention an ass load of therapy.
All the qualities in her that i thought about while sitting in the dark shaking off the nightmare i had have never left my mind since.