Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS
- Thread starter Big P
- Start date
RyanTheRhino
Well-Known Member
[video=youtube;B6a_F5E7laY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=B6a_F5E7laY[/video]
herbose
Well-Known Member
More airplane stuff:
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower:
"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Tower:
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341:
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet..
How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower:
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft:
"I said I was bored, not stupid!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student:
"When I was number one for takeoff."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway,
if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:
"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted
off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.
We've already notified our caterers."
-----------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:
"Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground:
"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:
"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
-----------------------------------------------------------
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower:
"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Tower:
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341:
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet..
How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower:
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft:
"I said I was bored, not stupid!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"
Student:
"When I was number one for takeoff."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway,
if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:
"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted
off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.
We've already notified our caterers."
-----------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:
"Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground:
"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:
"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
-----------------------------------------------------------
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
herbose
Well-Known Member
An NFL team was preparing to play its first game it a brand new, taxpayer-financed stadium. One of the star players was being interviewed by a television sports reporter, who was discussing the differences between the old and new ball fields.
"There will clearly be many differences between the two playing fields, James, agreed?" the reporter asked.
"Yeah," replied the player.
"But you anticipate no problems during this first outing, do you, James?"
"Naw, man," said James.
"One major difference, of course, is natural grass versus Astroturf," stated the reporter, "Do you personally like natural grass or do you prefer Astroturf?"
"I don' know, man," mumbled the player, "I ain't never smoked no Astroturf."
"There will clearly be many differences between the two playing fields, James, agreed?" the reporter asked.
"Yeah," replied the player.
"But you anticipate no problems during this first outing, do you, James?"
"Naw, man," said James.
"One major difference, of course, is natural grass versus Astroturf," stated the reporter, "Do you personally like natural grass or do you prefer Astroturf?"
"I don' know, man," mumbled the player, "I ain't never smoked no Astroturf."
herbose
Well-Known Member
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
herbose
Well-Known Member
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
herbose
Well-Known Member
Two Illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon.... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don' forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dyingbreath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree! "
"Luis, Luis mi amigo.... what ees it? "
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush...."
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon.... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don' forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dyingbreath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree! "
"Luis, Luis mi amigo.... what ees it? "
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush...."
Samwell Seed Well
Well-Known Member
i took this from someone else on a different site, to funny
Anyways the site is called www.dontevenreply.com
It's basically this guy that responds to Craigslists ads and fucks with people. I highly recommend going to the Top 10 and reading some of those first to get the gist of it.
Here's an example form the Top 10
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter
From Me to **********@***********.org:
Hey,
I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.
Thanks,
Mike
From Jeff ****** to Me:
I am. lets see what you got.
From Me to Jeff ******:
Jeff,
Here you go:
Looks like a normal spoon, right?
Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.
I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.
Mike
From Jeff ****** to Me:
that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.
From Me to Jeff ******:
Jeff,
I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.
Mike
From Jeff ****** to Me:
fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.
From Me to Jeff ******:
Jeff,
Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:
At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.
Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.
This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.
Let me know if you want any of these items.
Thanks,
Mike
From Jeff ****** to Me:
youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.
Anyways the site is called www.dontevenreply.com
It's basically this guy that responds to Craigslists ads and fucks with people. I highly recommend going to the Top 10 and reading some of those first to get the gist of it.
Here's an example form the Top 10
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter
From Me to **********@***********.org:
Hey,
I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.
Thanks,
Mike
From Jeff ****** to Me:
I am. lets see what you got.
From Me to Jeff ******:
Jeff,
Here you go:
Looks like a normal spoon, right?
Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.
I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.
Mike
From Jeff ****** to Me:
that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.
From Me to Jeff ******:
Jeff,
I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.
Mike
From Jeff ****** to Me:
fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.
From Me to Jeff ******:
Jeff,
Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:
At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.
Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.
This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.
Let me know if you want any of these items.
Thanks,
Mike
From Jeff ****** to Me:
youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.
herbose
Well-Known Member
herbose
Well-Known Member
Come to think of it, it's better than any beach I have. I live 400 miles from the nearest beach unless the edge of a rice paddy can be considered a beach, and I Love beaches.
Oh well, at least I'm going down to Pattaya in a couple of weeks for some r&r. It's the most insane city on earth, it never fails to amaze me and I've spent a good part of the last 27 seven years there.
ChronicObsession
Well-Known Member
ChronicObsession
Well-Known Member
yeah that's why i found it to be ridiculous.
Carne Seca
Well-Known Member
Winter Woman
Well-Known Member
Same house a year earlier in 2010.
[video=youtube;QqaTuAzyzK4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqaTuAzyzK4[/video]
[video=youtube;QqaTuAzyzK4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqaTuAzyzK4[/video]
Winter Woman
Well-Known Member
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
