Stoner Quotes (add quotes you've come up with!!!)

I wanted to start a thread where people can post funny stoner quotes theyve said and funny stoner sotries and convo's too, or one's they've heard seen elsewhere that are favorites.

As for my first post, here are some stoner quotes i've come up while stoned, just things i've said.

"Dude, right now, i feel like mollasses in a truck bed...I'm going no where, fucking no where..."
"God Damned Dude, you didn't roll a blunt..You rolled a Zepplin! haha Look, when you hit it it looks like the Hindenburg!"
"I need a job where i sit around and do nothing but smoke weed all day...Besides being a drug-dealer...Maybe i should be president."
"Baby, look, I've got to admit something to you...There's another woman...It really hurts me to tell you this, but i should at least tell you her name...it's Mary Jane. Honey, I'm fucking in love with Mary Jane."
"Dude is that a joint your rolling?"-friend, "No, man, it's not a joint...It's a little peice of heaven all gift wrapped and sealed to preserve freshness."

Anyway, everybody add there's if you haver nothing better to do. I'll add more later.

Inwas chillin with my friends and we had rolled this massive blunt and by the end of it I was gone. So I descided it would be a good idea to tell a joke. Well my stoned mind cane up with this:

"So one day I was cooking a pancake right? And guess what? I burnt it!!"

Everyone kinda stood there and then finally relized WTF I was talking about and we couldn't stop laughing for anything.

getting trashed with some friends and something along the lines of "I think I forgot what I just forgot about" I wish I remember what was actually said because it was gold, we laughed our asses off.

I recall another moment, there was nothing said but my friend dropped this really squeaky fart in the hallway of the chateau laurier in Ottawa. It started off with 3 of us snickering and within a few seconds we were almost crying and crawling on our hands and knees we were laughing so hard. We got some well deserved strange looks from a lot of people.

"Marijuana leads to homosexuality ... and therefore to AIDS."
White House Drug Czar Carlton Turner 1986

Bonzo said:

"Marijuana leads to homosexuality ... and therefore to AIDS."
White House Drug Czar Carlton Turner 1986

Click to expand...

That is messed up!

If you guys ever smoke a Tulip, it will lead to the greatest quotes ever as your marvel over the beauty of a well-rolled tulip. Here are a few of mine:

"Dude that mother fucker looks like a meteor! If we drop that shit all the dinosaurs will die!"
"I feel like I'm holding the Olympic Torch, and whenever I pass it off everyone is taking pictures"
"Do you think there's a mountain you can actually climb to the top of and meet a meditating buddist monk? We should make that mountain."

I come up with the funniest jokes when i'm stoned.
This one time my mate was throwing my phone up in the air and it was flipping and i said "woaah man, i've always wanted a flip phone"
i laughed for about 20 minutes

This other time i had a video camera and i was filming my friend while stoned and after a while i was like "HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CAMERA?! HOW DO I GET YOU OUT?!" I ended up trying to find the 'eject' button when i pressed it the little tape popped out and the camera like turned off, i dont think you understand how relieved i was. :L

I had been drunk like 3 cruisers and taken about 15 shots of whiskey and after i sobered up a bit i went for a sesh with some mateeys and the cone piece was fkn HUUUUUGE i took ONE hit then lay down for like 5mins then when i sat back up i was like 'Holy crap on a pancake, am i dead?' cause it was like 12pm and reaally dark i couldnt see anyone or anything.
Ooh and then i started walking up to my mates place but i was walking really really faast like i was leaning over my feet and i felt like i was a dog trying to sniff out some trail i couldnt stop walking hahah.

i love youu mary-janneee.