Our names are Matt and Jack. We have known each other for seven years. On Feb. 12, 2015, we decided to take our friendship to the next level and get our buttholes steamed together.
Matt Stopera/BuzzFeed
Matt Stopera/BuzzFeed
We found out about butthole steaming the way we find out about most things: through Gwyneth Paltrow.
Matt Stopera/BuzzFeed
In an issue of her iconic publication Goop, Gwyneth says she gets her vagina steamed at a salon in Santa Monica.
We looked up the spa (Tikkun Spa), and that’s where we saw it…
BUTTHOLE STEAMING.
$50 for 30 minutes.
Because most men don’t have a vagina, Tikkun Spa does another treatment called an “A-Steam.” That’s a glorified name for a “butthole steam.”
This is what it says about it on the website: Originally a treatment for the Emperor of China, the A Steam for men is invigorating and detoxifying. Aids in reducing muscle tension, inflammation and lactic acid for athletes. Improves cardiovascular performance and induces deeper sleep. Soothes hemorrhoids and assists in anal cleansing. Increasing energy and enhancing general health.
So, after seeing the words “anal cleansing,” we did the next logical thing and made an appointment.
This is our journey to the butthole brotherhood.
1. First and foremost, butthole steaming gowns exist and they are really great and fabulous.
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When you get your butthole steamed, you need to wear a gown that traps the steam inside your butthole. That’s where this butthole gown comes in! It was actually very comfortable and totally fashion-forward.
2. While you’re in your butthole steaming gown, you have to channel your inner Gwyneth and take a demure Renaissance-inspired picture.
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We are getting this made into an oil painting.
3. This is the butthole and vagina steaming room aka this is where Gwyneth gets her vagina steamed. It smells herby and is very “zen.”
It smells herby because that’s what you steam your butthole with: herbs. It is a lot like having a nice, piping-hot herbal tea in your butthole.
4. The butthole steamers are referred to as “thrones.”
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Makes sense because It is very toil-esque (meaning like a toilet). The throne is covered in towels, which look inviting, but the hole itself is slightly terrifying. It’s a little too industrial looking for buttholes, tbh.
5. Also there is no penetration. Nothing actually goes inside your butthole. Except steam.
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Honestly, if you have ever sat over a hot, steaming teakettle and let the steam waft up into your butthole, you will have an approximation of understanding what this feels like, re: steam penetration.
6. No penis in the pot.
Matt Stopera/BuzzFeed
Matt Stopera/BuzzFeed
Getting seated on your throne is like pooping on a toilet except different because there is hot steam and boiling water under you. We cannot emphasize this enough: Be CAREFUL with your genitals. Testicular safety is IMPORTANT. “Penis boiling” was something we were warned about.
7. Your first instinct is to go to the highest level of butthole steaming. DO NOT DO IT.
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Next to your throne is a remote control that goes all the way up to 10. BUT: It takes a minute or so to really get the throne heating up. We fucked up big time by cranking it to the highest temperature: a level 10. No one’s butthole can withstand a level-10 steam. Not even Gwyneth.
8. If you put it up to a level 10, your scrotum will start to steam/burn.
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See here:
9. The heat controller is your best friend. Keep it around a level 3 or a level 4.
Any more and you will burn.
10. Reminder: Your genitals are not Gwyneth Paltrow’s genitals.
Matt Stopera/BuzzFeed
Matt Stopera/BuzzFeed
Apparently Gwyn takes a high heat on her vagina. We could not.
11. Be ready for sudden strange sensations.
Matt Stopera/BuzzFeed
Sudden strange sensations happen. Be ready to adjust yourself, but try to stay centered, both ~in your mind~ and in the sense of having your butthole centered over the steam vent.
12. In terms of overall sensations, your butthole will feel very warm. Your butthole will sweat. It will feel cleansing.
This video was taken midway through the steam. We had just lowered the temperature from the highest it could be to a mid-range temperature. It was definitely a moment of enlightenment.
