All your shitty jokes

cannabineer

cannabineer

Ursus marijanus
Seasoned priest takes a newly ordained one golfing.
Young priest misses a stroke and yells DAMMIT missed!
The old priest scowls but says nothing.
Minutes later, the young one misses another stroke DAMMIT missed!

The old priest takes the young one by the shoulders and says "Young man, I must warn you: carry on like that and a bolt will come from the blue and strike you down."

It's several more holes before the young one makes a mistake and blurts DAMMIT missed!

A bolt comes from the blue and kills the senior priest.

And the young one listens in wonderment to a voice from the heavens DAMMIT missed!

(Heard from mama about 50 years ago; translated from Austrian)

A priest sees the beautiful weather and wants to golf. But it's Sunday, so he lies about being sick and drives many miles to a course where he won't be recognized.

St. Peter: "Boss are you gonna allow this to go unpunished?"

"Watch this, son."

Priest lines up to tee off the #1 hole, par 5, 430 yards ... and scores a hole-in-one.

"Uh, boss, how is that a punishment?"

"Consider, Peter.
To whom can he brag?"
 
Laughing Grass

Laughing Grass

Well-Known Member
Rollitup Advertiser
A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep a deep coma. Six months later she awakes and asks the doctor about the baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and boy and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! he's an idiot. What did he name the girl.

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well that isn't so bad, what did he call the boy.

Doctor: Denephew
 
cannabineer

cannabineer

Ursus marijanus
GreatwhiteNorth said:
Think I first heard that one in 4th ish grade?
Lol
Click to expand...
Young man gets his learner’s permit.

“Oh c’mon Dad let me drive !!1!”

One golden day, “ok. You get to drive.”

Dad gets into the seat behind the driver.

Son: “Dad don’t you want to be in front?”

“Oh heck no. I’ve been waiting for this moment for fifteen years!!”

Dad begins to kick the back of the driver’s seat with a remarkable lack of rhythm.
 
LondonSeedCentre

LondonSeedCentre

Well-Known Member
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer.

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
 
Blue back

Blue back

Well-Known Member
So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crouch the bartender says why the steering wheel on your crouch the pirate says Rrr it's driving me nuts.
 
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