Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS

herbose

herbose

Well-Known Member
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problem and document their repairs; pilots then review the sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Following are some maintenance concerns by pilots and solutions by maintenance engineers:

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
M: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Unable to reproduce this problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: Radio volume unbelievably loud.
M: Radio volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.

P: Radar inoperative in OFF mode.
M: Radar always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.
 
herbose

herbose

Well-Known Member
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *** me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law right now in this very courtroom.
 
herbose

herbose

Well-Known Member
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how
deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Wow! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw some of these great big
Rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the
Hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on His face and
says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT thing in, it's GOTTA Make some
noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a Sound comes from
the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes
toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it.
Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles Over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped
into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat is chained to a railroad tie."
 
ANC

ANC

Well-Known Member
[video=youtube;yKWoPlL2B8I]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKWoPlL2B8I&feature=player_embedded[/video]
 
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