A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

GreatwhiteNorth

GreatwhiteNorth

Global Moderator
Staff member
potpimp said:
I thought this was a joke thread. We turning this into another fucking hate thread now?
Click to expand...
I agree - back on track please boys.
Arguing is strictly prohibited here.

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".
The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."


A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white kid."



A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
 
Sunbiz1

Sunbiz1

Well-Known Member
Arthur Davidson in Heaven:

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".
 
cannabineer

cannabineer

Ursus marijanus
Bump this pup!

Here is an old favorite of mine.

Olga and Irina are walking down the Prospekt.
"Olga. Lately, I have been seing spots."
"Oh Irina ... that's not good. Have you seen a doctor?"
"No Olga ... so far, just spots."
cn
 
eye exaggerate

eye exaggerate

Well-Known Member
...a man goes to his local watering hole, depressed over not being able to find a mate that will go along with his fantasies. He's been searching for a woman his whole life that would have sex with his big toe. A while into the evening, he spots a girl at the end of the bar who's looking sad like he is. He approaches her and says "why so glum?" The girl replies "meh, you wouldn't understand". So dude says "woman, try me, I'm not much for luck either"... So she perks up a bit and says "I've been searching my whole life for a man that would bang me with his big toe".

:shock:

The man explains his situation and it's back to his place for a good night of banging - big toe style.

A few days later, he's noticing some purple-ish tone to his toe, and it's getting sore. He goes to see his doctor who does a few tests and says he'll call him. A few days later, the man receives a call from the doc's office.

He makes his way to his doctor's office, and nervously waits for the verdict. The doctor comes into the room and says, "well, this may sound funny, but you have syphilis of the toe." The patient says 'wow, you're right, that does sound funny'. The doctor replies, "well, if you think that's funny, I treated a female patient yesterday for athletes vagina" :lol:
 
ML75

ML75

Active Member
ok , ok I got one....... a guy walks into a bar.... I forget the rest of the joke but your moms a whore
 
Joos Springsteen

Joos Springsteen

Well-Known Member
Why to avoid swearing in front of children:

One Thanksgiving morning, a young girl wakes up and makes her way to the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror, the girl's dad cuts himself shaving. "Shit!" he says. The little girl speaks up and asks "Daddy, what does shit mean?" Startled, he turns around to say "Oh, uh it's just another word for shaving. Run down and see what your mom is doing."

As the little girl makes her way into the kitchen, her mom is slicing the turkey. She accidentally slices her finger, exclaiming "Fuck!" The little girl again speaks up and asks "Mommy, what does fuck mean?" Surprised, she turns around and offers "Uh, it's just another word for slicing the turkey." Immediately, the door bell rings and the girl is sent to answer the door. She opens the door to her grandma who greets her and inquires "Where are your parents, honey?" The girl explains "Well, dad is upstairs shitting himself in the bathroom and mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how a bailout package works
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
Bottle of Wine
(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.


The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'


The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil creatures.
Don't mess with them.

 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.





As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally, realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.



He whirled around and screamed,



'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land to China! I was so depressed last night thinking about my retirement, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
 
Jack Harer

Jack Harer

Well-Known Member
A Priest was walking down the street and spots a little boy sitting on the curb.
As he gets closer he see the boy shaking a jar of liquid and staring at the bubbles.
The Priest asks the little boy "Johnny, what do you have in the jar?"
Johnny replies "Why Reverend, this is the most powerful liquid in the world!!!"
The Priest, somewhat shocked, asked the little boy what the liquid was.
Johnny replied "Why Reverend, it's turpentine!"
The Priest laughs and says "Son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water"
"If you rub some Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby!"
Johnny looks up at the Priest and replies "Shit, that's nothing!"
"If you rub some turpentine on a cats ass, she'll pass a motorcycle!!!"
 
cannabutt

cannabutt

Well-Known Member
I joined a chocolate lovers forum the other day.

I was asked if I liked a combination of chocolate, caramel, nougat and hazelnut.

I said I used to but I no longer did.

Then I was banned from the forum for going off topic.

:leaf:
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"​
 
Winter Woman

Winter Woman

Well-Known Member
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
 
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