Tip Top, I have an experience that might be close to that about which you're asking.
I grew up in an effectively atheist household.
At 18 I had a god-experience. i will not go into detail, but i came out of that thinking "OK there is a God ... now which one is he?"
I studied Buddhism after that and decided noooo ... doesn't really match what I experienced. Cursory glances at Islam and Hinduism also left me thinking uh-uh. So i began reading the New Testament and thought "bingo!"
I hung out with the Christian crowd for a few years after that.
What broke my religious experience was ... no sense of having a "walk with God", no "relationship with a personal savior", no affirmation, denial, anything at all that referred to or built upon that initial brief overpowering experience.
And no sign of anything other than the usual human behavior in any congregation I visited.
Just ... the eternal silence of unending spiritual night. Microwave background.
My faith died of simple decay.
So at this point I am most at peace with thinking of my god-experience as a neurochemical event, all in my head. That, I admit, is just as much a statement of faith as my original "there is a god after all" perception ... but both were tried in the crucible of age and experience, and my benign atheism stayed.
So that is one reason why I identify myself as an unbeliever, but always do my best to treat believers of ALMOST any stripe with decency, sympathy, dignity. cn
cn
i once tried out the kabbalistic method of touching god.
basically meditate on an endless light, invisible yet everywhere.
and this peace descended on me, not a personal anything, just this vast infinity of peace.
also met god ina dream once , he asked me "what is the source of evil?" (in a more like he wanted me to figure out for myself kinda thing..)
..
i think.. if there is such a thing as a god, he´s (it , she) is more of a "do what you want" kinda god.
as in
"we have eternity to play with, why does it have to be something specific?"
comes to mind as well.
if god is love, well, its very difficult for love to be around most people..
and sometimes ends with the death of love (new testament)
i personally hate god (im not fond of lot of things from the beginning of my existence)
im not pure love, so its perhaps not surprising that god does not visit much lol.
well , its not so much hate as mostly dont care (if its just a person, its just a person and as the god, he can jolly well drop off for a visit if its interested.ive come to find meditation and dreamquests boring)
and also, i think that god might just be the innermost part of us all.
(and the reason for the hate, we suck (in general))
and then one might just focus on enjoying their life and fuck the rest.
if god s really real, he can drop off for a visit and a chat, till then, fuck him and the idea of him