Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS
- Thread starter Big P
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Samwell Seed Well
Well-Known Member
must not be very funny
herbose
Well-Known Member
A man was driving to the hospital, with his wife who was pregnant with twins, when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a high school dropout who was never taken seriously, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
His brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”
The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a high school dropout who was never taken seriously, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
His brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”
The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”
herbose
Well-Known Member
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says "Oh just a beer".
The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".
The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".
The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?
The man said "That was a month ago".
The man says "Oh just a beer".
The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".
The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".
The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?
The man said "That was a month ago".
herbose
Well-Known Member
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
herbose
Well-Known Member
An American was knocked unconscious in a serious accident
while traveling in Australia. The ambulance took him to a
local hospital for treatment.
While he finally woke up he asked the nurse, "Was I brought
here to die?"
"No," said the nurse. "You were brought in here yesterday."
while traveling in Australia. The ambulance took him to a
local hospital for treatment.
While he finally woke up he asked the nurse, "Was I brought
here to die?"
"No," said the nurse. "You were brought in here yesterday."
herbose
Well-Known Member
A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he
finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind
if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy
is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying
how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Five-hundred
dollars? What do you mean $500?!
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he
finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind
if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy
is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying
how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Five-hundred
dollars? What do you mean $500?!
herbose
Well-Known Member
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
herbose
Well-Known Member
The New Boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied..
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Wish you'da bought a hat, Bert.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied..
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Wish you'da bought a hat, Bert.
herbose
Well-Known Member
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old
students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny,
why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that
I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny,
why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that
I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
herbose
Well-Known Member
Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night,
1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2
for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
"Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night,
1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2
for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
Flaming Pie
Well-Known Member
THAT is why you wear a seat belt.. Idiot.
Trousers
Well-Known Member
Winter Woman
Well-Known Member
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
I'm including this one because its unaffected juvenility makes me lol. cn
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
Man goes to take a carp ... but the carp takes him. cn
smok3h
Well-Known Member
I don't think you understand the point to this thread.
Dirty Harry
Well-Known Member
It is September, I am married, and I still have February-December still in the box. If married, buy singles out of the machine. Condoms do have an expiration date you know.
