A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

Although I am quite irreligious, I like jokes about religion that aren't disrespectful.

A man moves into a South Chicago neighborhood. Although he's a Baptist he gets along wonderfully with his new neighbors, Catholics all. They like him as well, but he does have one habit that drives them to distraction. Every Friday he likes to barbecue a steak outdoors, causing the rich aroma of sizzling beef to intrude on many a fish dinner.
One day, after attending Mass as a guest, he mentions to a neighbor that he's never felt such a sense of community as he does in this neighborhood, and he'd really like to join their congregation. This makes the neighbors light up, since it will solve their Friday dilemma without need for confrontation. So they schedule a special service with a visiting bishop.
At the height of the conversion ceremony, the bishop produces a chalice of holy water with a sprinkling wand in it, spatters the celebrant with a bit of moisture and intones:
"You were born a Protestant. Ypou were raised a Protestant. Now you are a Catholic."
With much joy and celebration, the new church member walks home with his neighbors, and all is well ...

...until Friday. Once again the smell of charring rib-eye wafts in through the neighborhood windows. The block's leading men come together and say "We have to do something about this!" and head to our hero's back yard.
There they see him standing over a steak, waving a brush loaded with barbecue sauce, saying:
"You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. Now you are a fish."
cn

Second grade. Miss Mallory asks her charges to talk about the meaning of Easter.
"Johnny?"
"Okay, Miss Mallory, for Easter we set up a tree and in the morning we get presents!"
"Sorry no Johnny ... that's Christmas. Anyone else? Yes, Emily?"
"Oh, um, okay, for Easter we always make a big turkey and talk about the Pilgrims and the Indians and then dad falls asleep watching football."
"Sorry no Emily. That's Thanksgiving."
Silence, then george slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, George?"
Slowly at first, then gaining confidence, George says:
Uh, on Easter , that's the day where we celebrate how Jesus went to Jerusalem and lost an argument with a paunchy pilot, so they nailed him to a cross and he was put into a grave with a big rock and three days later he rose from the dead."
"Excellent George! Yes, that's Easter."
George however, had momentum.
"... and when he came out, if he sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter!"
cn

Wife , Love , can i get a new bra ?
Husband , Why ? you have nothing to put in there ?
Wife , you wear shorts ?

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Which item does not belong in the following list:

Wife
Eggs
Meat
Blowjob


Blowjob, you can beat your meat, beat your eggs, or beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Joos Springsteen said:

Which item does not belong in the following list:

Wife
Eggs
Meat
Blowjob


Blowjob, you can beat your meat, beat your eggs, or beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Click to expand...

Of course if after beating your wife she cooks you a meal that has a hint of almond to it, you'll be hoping you already got your affairs in order.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink
here named after you." The grasshopper says, "Bob?"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Irish guy walks out of a bar......

Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.!

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Two assholes are driving down the road and somebody rectum.

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, the man insists. Finally, the priest says, "how can you prove it?" The man, says "come with me." They go inside the bar. The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, not you again."

What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel.

i only know dirty or racist jokes... but im not realy racist.. dont wana catch alot of un-needed heat. i thinks its for entertainment purposes only...idk...