A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

You're welcome.

Let me tell you the story of Little Red Riding Hood.
She's nineteen now, and her dress has become quite tight in all the right ways.
One day she decides that she's going to visit her grandma in the woods for a picnic.
So she packs her basket with all manner of savories and tells Uncle Hood her plans for the day.
He advises her to watch out ... the Big Bad Wolf has been seen in the forest, and not so long ago.
"Don't worry, Uncle - I have a plan", she assures him.
She sets out on the path to the woods, and she passes the strapping young field-hands at work.
"Hey boys", she says, waving coquettishly.
The boys holler and whistle and show all sorts of appreciation. "Never mind Grandma ... spend the afternoon with US!" they shout.
She feels various bits of herself crinkle and moisten under their cotton-dissolving gaze, but tells them
"Sorry boys - not today. I'm visiting Grandma, and we're having a picnic!"
"Well watch yourself, Little Red! The Big Bad Wolf is about ... and he wants to eat you!"
"It's okay boys - I have a plan!" And off she skips, nubile and buoyant.
...
Deep in the woods, who steps into the path? Her nemesis!
"Oh hello Big Bad. I'm late for Grandma's so please just get out of the way."
"Oh no", leers Big Bad. "I'm going to huff, and I'm going to puff, and then I'm going to fuck you bowlegged!"
Little Red drops the basket, falls on her back, whips the dress past her hourglass waist and removes her thong with her toes ...
all the while training a shotgun right between Big Bad's eyes.
"Oh no you're not, Mister!" says our heroine.
"You're gonna EAT me just like the book says!"
cn

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
Nice tits!

Alot of twisted wife jokes.

Little bastard ass child named Johnny keeps demanding a bike from his parents.
Finally his mom gets sick of it and says, "Why don't you write a letter to jesus, maybe he'll get you a bike."
So little Johnny goes to his room and starts writing a letter...
"Dear Jesus, I've been really good...." He crumbles it, because he knows it's a lie.
"Dear Jesus, I really want a bike, and I deserve..." crumbles it again.
He leaves the house and goes for a walk towards his local church. When he gets there he finds himself standing in front of
a statue of Mary. Looking at it, he gets a look of deep contemplation, really thinking about things.
He snatches the statue, runs home with it, throws it under his bed, and starts another letter,
"Hey Jesus, I got your momma, if you ever want to see her again, you better get me that bike. "

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

My last girlfriend called me a pedophile. Pretty big word for a 12-year-old.

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

a guy walked into a bar.

he got a bruise.

I was searching for the video clip from "The Big Lebowski" where Walter pwns the Jesus with the simple line "8-year-olds, dude". Beside a list of dead-end videos the ad bar contained the following gem. cn



Ads

1. 9 Year Old Boys
   
   www.ask.com/9+Year+Old+Boys
   
   Find 9 Year Old Boys;
   Search 9 Year Old Boys Now!

<edit> This is somewhat ot, but I can't think of where else to put it.

cannabineer said:

I was searching for the video clip from "The Big Lebowski" where Walter pwns the Jesus with the simple line "8-year-olds, dude". Beside a list of dead-end videos the ad bar contained the following gem. cn



Ads

1. 9 Year Old Boys
   
   www.ask.com/9+Year+Old+Boys
   
   Find 9 Year Old Boys;
   Search 9 Year Old Boys Now!

<edit> This is somewhat ot, but I can't think of where else to put it.

Click to expand...

Thats just messed up !

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

horse walks into a bar, bartender asks "Why the long face?"