All your shitty jokes

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
 
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
 
1:
Teacher: How much is a gram?

Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need



2:
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

3:
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”
 
Two conspiracy nuts end up at the gates of heaven before God. God says to them "You may ask any question of me."

The first man asks "Was the Maui fire started by a space laser to clear out residents so the rich could buy up all the land?"

God says "No my child. It was a combination of poor agriculture and climate change."

The first man turns to his friend and says "This goes up higher than we thought"
 
Lulu asked her mom, "Mommy, can I take Daisy for a walk around the block?"

Her mom replied, "No, because she’s in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu went out to the garage and said, “Dad, can I take Daisy for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was on the heat and to come ask you."

Her father took a rag, soaked it in
diluted gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent.

“Okay, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only go around the block one time,” said her dad.

Lulu left and returned a a short time later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Daisy?"

Lulu said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
 
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
 
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
 
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