Anyone else have eye contact issues?

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puffdatchronic

Well-Known Member
I have this problem. I used to be REALLY depressed and shy, but I have come of age now at 27 and feel quite confident in myself and feel like I can stand up for myself intellectually and physically. However eye contact remains an interesting problem.

I have no issues looking into someone's eyes even for a few seconds at a time but any longer than that and I feel like it is a problem and I have to look away for a moment. To me it just does not seem right to stare right into someone's eyes for an entire conversation. It seems possibly confrontational at worst or creepy at best.

Though sometimes I'll try, and when I notice that they don't brake their eye contact I'm wondering.. what are they thinking about me not braking MY eye contact? Is there an issue/ isn't there? What do I have to gain by fighting this urge to look away every few moments? Then when I "brake" as it were, and look away, then it sets off a chain raction of feeling more and more uncomfortable, like " Oh no, now I'm looking away, how do they interpret that? ".

Maybe some sort of recessive caveman like behaviour? To me, to stare right into someone's eyes, especially a male, is a sign of aggression. You know how 2 boxers will just stare each other down. Same deal imo, could the looking away thing be a natural physical cue which gives the impression " I am not a threat" . The same way cats make similar physical gestures which lets others know their intentions.

Just massively overthinking the situation probably, more than likely a confidence issue combined with an ingrained learned behaviour that can maybe be "trained" out. Or is the caveman theory something with merit?

Anyone else?
 
MojoRison

MojoRison

Well-Known Member
Being male it's hard wired into us to see a stare as aggression, a quick look is seen as acknowledgment {I see you, you see me} but anything longer than a couple secs signals a sizing up, like in most primates it proceeds a instinctive reaction to a another male staking territory claim.
Flash forward a few millennium, today we are hugely over populated and territory claims are much smaller {think personal space} but the instinct is still there.

You can train yourself to "look" past this and it will give some measure of confidence but you're still sizing up the other guy, gauging his reaction to your uncompromising gaze.
 
C

CaretakerDad

Well-Known Member
puffdatchronic said:
I have this problem. I used to be REALLY depressed and shy, but I have come of age now at 27 and feel quite confident in myself and feel like I can stand up for myself intellectually and physically. However eye contact remains an interesting problem.

I have no issues looking into someone's eyes even for a few seconds at a time but any longer than that and I feel like it is a problem and I have to look away for a moment. To me it just does not seem right to stare right into someone's eyes for an entire conversation. It seems possibly confrontational at worst or creepy at best.

Though sometimes I'll try, and when I notice that they don't brake their eye contact I'm wondering.. what are they thinking about me not braking MY eye contact? Is there an issue/ isn't there? What do I have to gain by fighting this urge to look away every few moments? Then when I "brake" as it were, and look away, then it sets off a chain raction of feeling more and more uncomfortable, like " Oh no, now I'm looking away, how do they interpret that? ".

Maybe some sort of recessive caveman like behaviour? To me, to stare right into someone's eyes, especially a male, is a sign of aggression. You know how 2 boxers will just stare each other down. Same deal imo, could the looking away thing be a natural physical cue which gives the impression " I am not a threat" . The same way cats make similar physical gestures which lets others know their intentions.

Just massively overthinking the situation probably, more than likely a confidence issue combined with an ingrained learned behaviour that can maybe be "trained" out. Or is the caveman theory something with merit?

Anyone else?
Click to expand...

Just move to a big city and stare at your shoes, you'll fit right in. :)
 
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puffdatchronic

Well-Known Member
With that said mojo, which is a good and valid point. Maybe it signals I am subconsciously not quite sure of myself in a physical confrontation. I don't want any trouble, though if it comes my way I'll deal with it, I don't want it however and therefore feel compelled to make my "low threat" status known at all cost. The answer? possibly a martial arts class or some body building. Though I still feel like I wouldn't want any trouble even if I had a black belt, as I fully understand the legal ramifications and possible negative consequences on any future career development of being convicted for violence.. But yet it also applies to conversations with women too, so it's maybe in part an ingrained behaviour I can't seem to shake off.

I guess I need to just stare at my shoes lol
 
MojoRison

MojoRison

Well-Known Member
puffdatchronic said:
With that said mojo, which is a good and valid point. Maybe it signals I am subconsciously not quite sure of myself in a physical confrontation. I don't want any trouble, though if it comes my way I'll deal with it, I don't want it however and therefore feel compelled to make my "low threat" status known at all cost. The answer? possibly a martial arts class or some body building. Though I still feel like I wouldn't want any trouble even if I had a black belt, as I fully understand the legal ramifications and possible negative consequences on any future career development of being convicted for violence.. But yet it also applies to conversations with women too, so it's maybe in part an ingrained behaviour I can't seem to shake off.

I guess I need to just stare at my shoes lol
Click to expand...
Practice using familiar and safe circumstances, talking with family and friends the 15 secs it takes to buy a pack of rolling papers, start small.
 
MojoRison

MojoRison

Well-Known Member
I wouldn't say you're in need of a cure, you're reacting to an extremely violent world with decorum and finding it a bit hard to stake your claim, nothing more normal than that.
Puff Puff Pass
 
Cannabis Kitty

Cannabis Kitty

Member
No lol don't stare at your shoes....you'll end up running head first into a wall or something right in front of the girl you were afraid to look at to long lol. Seriously, eye contact is important. But you are 100% correct it can go from the expected eye contact to creepy or rude in a split second. Practice in the mirror. With yourself....I know it sounds equally as creepy lol...and most importantly don't try so hard and try to stop over thinking it. Hope you can get past it :)
 
SunnyJim

SunnyJim

Well-Known Member
Like others, I'm confident you'll be able to work your way through this with practice.

I used to feel awkward when looking at someone in the eye for more than a few seconds when I was a young man. There's potential for that awkwardness to develop into anxiety, so I would try to practice with people you trust. I began by talking and holding eye contact for 2-3 seconds at a time, breaking up them up with glances up to the forehead or down to the chin. Anywhere, really. I tried not to over-think what I was doing, or whether I was looking away too frequently, and eventually began to realise that most people were oblivious to my glancing patterns. As long as you aren't being rude, I don't think too many people mind specifically where you're looking and for how long.
 
ClaytonBigsby

ClaytonBigsby

Well-Known Member
Easy money. Just stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself, "you are good enough, you are smart enough, and doggonit, people like you".






When that gets comfortable, stand in front of the mirror and start asking, "you lookin at me!?!?!?!?", "are YOU looking at me?!?!?" "are you looking at ME?!?!?!?"










All kidding aside, some great advice here. I do recommend doing both body building and martial arts (Krav Maga and jiu jitsu). You will have plenty of confidence knowing that you can take care of yourself, and that confidence will help you in all aspects of your life. Staring for too long is wierd, but so is looking away every few seconds. If you are walking down the street, just an acknowledgment, like "i see you, mf" is all you need to do, but in conversation, look someone in the eye while talking, look away while not.

Knowing you are tough, makes it so much easier to walk away from trouble. You have nothing to prove.
 
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puffdatchronic

Well-Known Member
Thanks dudes, excellent advice from everyone. Damn this lack of like buttonness. I think I'll try " you lookin at me this evening" lol
 
dannyboy602

dannyboy602

Well-Known Member
I always look directly at someone when I speak to them especially if I like what I'm looking at. But they don't know that. It's not a sign of aggression to look at someone during a conversation. It shows you're interested. And sometimes I'm not but I look anyway. They don't know my mind is a million miles away. They see the slight smile on my face and assume I'm pleased by what they're saying. And it's not only eye contact you should be thinking about it's your body language. Are your arms crossed? Do your feet point towards the door because you don't want to be there? Or do you sit with your legs stretched out and your arm across the chair like you're the boss? All those little things tell tales. If you're uncomfortable looking into someone's eyes look then at their nose, they can't tell the difference.
 
Adjorr

Adjorr

Well-Known Member
puffdatchronic said:
With that said mojo, which is a good and valid point. Maybe it signals I am subconsciously not quite sure of myself in a physical confrontation. I don't want any trouble, though if it comes my way I'll deal with it, I don't want it however and therefore feel compelled to make my "low threat" status known at all cost. The answer? possibly a martial arts class or some body building. Though I still feel like I wouldn't want any trouble even if I had a black belt, as I fully understand the legal ramifications and possible negative consequences on any future career development of being convicted for violence.. But yet it also applies to conversations with women too, so it's maybe in part an ingrained behaviour I can't seem to shake off.

I guess I need to just stare at my shoes lol
Click to expand...
i do both martial arts and weight lifting, im easily the best fighter out of all the people i know (though ud never know it since i dont really look or act "tough", and i hide my muscles under layers of baggy clothing) but i still have difficulty maintaing eye contact during normal conversation. I'm not sure anyone even notices it though so i dont realy worry about it. Im to busy worrying about everything else i say an do lol, oh the joys of social anxiety
 
Ganjalee

Ganjalee

Active Member
take some mushrooms, stare at yourself until you melt away. staring problem now fixed. don't be scared to see right through people, in fact, do it
 
shrxhky420

shrxhky420

Well-Known Member
HEY!!!! how'd you know I was looking at you if weren't looking at me???

My poker face, my my my poker face
SH420
 
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