My thoughts go to OP and everyone else in this thread that suffers from mental illness.
This is hard for me, but in a total opposite kind of way. I have been blessed. I have high levels of dopamine and serotonin. Even on worst days, I have never felt depression, dips in mood, or anything of the sort.
I have the opposite of an a addictive personality. In my early teens we sold cocaine and I would sniff huge amounts only to quit cold turkey when my first born son arrived. I smoked cigs for over a decade and stopped cold turkey one day. I watched some of my friends ruin their lives, and to this day, still suffer battling things I could simply walk away from.
I have been around addicts, depressed people, people with mental disorders, and I just cant relate. I never know what to say because I just cant understand how some people cant say "fuck it" like I can and feel no lows or sorrow. I'm terrible because I walk out on people, just because I cant relate or am no help at all. And lets be real, being around a depressed person will lower the mood of anyone who is close. I usually run away.
I do have empathy however and feel bad for people in these situations.
A good friend was suffering, we tried all sort of remedies. Marijuana, mood stabilizers, with no success. My friend has been on Wellbutrin for several years and has totally changed. Praise to modern medicine.
Other than telling my own story, I have nothing to add besides wishing you all the best and hope you can find happiness again.