Lets Hear Some JOKES!

Brick Top said:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!




Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...



Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

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Hahaha thats cute. Nice one.

Right got a corka!
Bungee jumping is similar to getting a blowjob off ur gran ,, it feels great just dont look down!

Whats the difference between a washing machine and a virgin??





A washing machine doesn't follow u around after dumping a load in it. hahaha

A bus carrying a bunch of nuns was halted by terrorists that entered the bus and commanded them all to get undressed because they plan to rape them. One of the nuns, with tears in her eyes, while unzipping her gown pleads the terrorist to spare their oldest nun who was 70 years old. The 70 year old nun turns towards her and says: he said all, and that means everyone!

Keeping with the theme of nuns:

A Man was driving down the toad when he saw a sign that said 'Our Ladies Of Christ Brothel' '50 Miles'.
Sure that he has misread he shrugs it off and continues driving. He then sees a sign that says 'Our Ladies Of Christ Brothel' '20 Miles'. The man is so intrigued that when he sees the sign saying 'Out Ladies Of Christ Brothel' 'Next Left', he decides to stop in and check it out.
He knocks on the door and is greated by a Hot Nun. He says to her "Sister, I'm not sure if u know this or not, but there is a sign out on the road saying that this is a Brothel".
"It is" she replies.
"$100 2b Fukd by our Ladies of Christ'.
The man decides he wants a piece of this action and pays the head nun the $100 fee.
"Follow me" she says.
The man follows her through the church until they come to a big set of doors. The nun states that this is as far as shecan take him, but if he goes through that door then he will be fukd by A lady of Christ.
The man eagerly heads through the door and finds himself once again outside the church. As he turns to go back inside he finds the door is locked and there is a sign on the door saying 'You have just been Fukd by Our Ladies of Christ'.

XxNinjaxX said:

Eww, bird poop. Um was it a Mountain Lion? Btw, is this joke going anywhere?

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no, it was a house cat. Dude kicks the house cat and it lands in a tree. He keep s walking and hears something walking behind him, he turns around nothing is there.

Takes a few more steps and notices it again. Do you know what it was?

So a bud tree gains counciousness. He looks up at john with his scissors in terror trying to plead for him to stop. He mutters a ruffle in his leaf? You know what he says?

uh oh...take two of the never ending story....

it just goes on and on mang

HEy that might be a good game though.

Ok lets try this, ill start with a few lines of a story, and everyone who read the first line of my story add a few more lines and when it gets long enough ill clip it all together and see what we have created lol it wont take you long and it will be an interesting experiment. feel free to try to make it rhyme or whatever lol.

I will start it off for yall..this is two lines but...

one day in the field of 'lavender' she was looking mighty fine,
to my surprise she would be ready at any time.

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I dont know if this was told but i found it funny[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much."
[/FONT]

Brick Top said:

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best
martini ever and says to the man, "Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "168".
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar,
Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try
it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will
you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another
great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?"

That about sums it up....

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I already repped you but this deserves some down the road. Nice! Was it posted in the politics forum yet? If not do it.

These are some great jokes. The only way to remember them is to tell them over and over. I've always enjoyed good jokes and showed some love to the ones I liked. Unfortunately couldn't rep people more than once. I posted these in another forum a while back, but will post them all again. Laughing is a good thing.

PET MOUSE

The parents were going out on a night on the town and left the older brother to take care of his little sister. After the parents left he takes his sister to his room and asks if she would like to see his 'pet mouse.'

Sure she said with a smile..

So he pulls out his penis so just the head is showing and says isn't he cute?

"Yes hes so cute" she replied.

He said if you pet him he will grow..

"Really" she said with a sparkle in her eye.. So she pet him and he grew.

He the said..."He really likes it if you kiss him. He will be your best friend."

So she starts kissing him.

The parents walk in shortly after this and all they hear is the boy yelling upstairs at the top of his lungs, so they run up and asked what is happening.... The little girl said ..

"He was showing me his pet mouse but then he spit on me so I bit his head off."

Tommy's mom was in the kitchen and was baking a cake when she accidentally hit knocked over a bottle of BB's into the mix. Thinking it would do no harm she just left them in there. Later on Tommy comes running down the stairs yelling.. " Mommy Mommy... I just pissed a BB!"

"Oh don't worry about it Tommy. It shouldn't happen again."

He goes back upstairs and a bit later he comes running down the stairs again and says " Mommy.. Mommy I just pissed BB's again."

The mom once again assured him it would be okay and probably won't happen again.

Next day she is in the kitchen again and Tommy comes running down the stairs yelling " Mommy...Mommy" to where she quickly interrupted and said....

"Let me guess, you just pissed BB's"

He said "No Mommy.. I was masturbating and I shot the dog and I think he is dead."

Two ladies go fishing. While approaching the pond the one lady says to the other... I will fish the left side of the lake today, you can fish the right.

After the day was over the lady on the left side of the pond had caught all of the fish.

The next time they went fishing the lady said..today I will fish on the right side of the pond, you can fish the left side.

Once again when the day was over the lady on the right side had caught all of the fish.

Her friend was puzzled and confused and said to her friend... "I just don't understand. You fished on the left side the first day and caught all of the fish and I caught none. Then the next time you fished on the right side and caught all of the fish and I caught none. How do you know which side of the pond to fish on."

She said it's simple... each morning before I go fishing I lift up the covers and see which side my husbands penis is lying on. If it is on the left, I fish on the left.. if it is on the right, I fish on the right.

Her friend asked her... "What if it is in the middle?"

She said with a smile... "I don't go fishing on those days"

What do homosexuals call hemorrhoids ?

Speed bumps.


( No offense meant.. just a joke )

What does a man with a 12" penis eat for breakfast?


This morning I had bacon and eggs.

A dog flea and crotch crab were best friends. They always met on the park bench the same time each day. One day they were sitting there talking and the dog flea notices a gorgeous yellow lab being walked up the sidewalk and says to the crotch crab.... " I think I will take a ride on that dog. See you tomorrow same time."

Well the crotch crab noticed the girl walking him was also a hot blond and decided to take a trip himself and jumped on the girl as she passed by.

The following day the flea is there waiting on the crab but he never shows up.. Next day nothing.. Week later, still no crab. Finally one day the crab shows back up and the flea asked him..."Where the hell have you been? We were suppose to meet here the following day."

Crotch crab said..." You won't believe what happened to me. I jumped on that blond and the first thing she did was go home and take a shower and tried to drown me. Next she gets out of the shower and puts on some body talc and almost suffocated me. The she went to a bar and started drinking...spilt a bit of liquor down her pants ....the next thing I remember was waking up on some truck drivers mustache heading to Montana!"

A little boy is walking down a dirt road and has some wire in his hand. The farmer who was standing on the front porch as he passed by yelled to him and said..." Son...where do you think you are going with that wire in your hand?"

The boy replied..."This ain't just any wire farmer..this is chicken wire and I'm about to go catch me some chickens."

Farmer scratched his head and said..." You ain't gonna catch no chickens that away boy."

Sure enough a couple of hours later here comes the boy with a chicken under each arm.

A few days later the boy is walking up the road and this time has some tape in his hands. Tossing it in the air and catching it. The farmer again notices the boy and asks....

"Son, where do you think you are going with that tape in your hands?"

The boy replied...." This ain't just any tape farmer, this is 'duck' tape and I'm going to go catch some ducks."

Again the farmer scratched his head, laughed and said..."You ain't gonna catch any ducks with that tape boy."

Here he comes again a few hours later and sure enough a duck under each arm.

A few more days pass and the boy comes walking up the dirt road with a large stick in his hand...tapping it on the road as he walks along. Again the farmer notices this and yells to the boy....

"Son, where are you going now with that stick in your hand?"

The boy replied...." Farmer this ain't just any stick. I got this stick off of a pussy willow tree."

The farmer said in a rush....."Hold on son, let me get my hat."
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