Lets Hear Some JOKES!

bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
A man is driving along and notices a girl walking and stops and asks if she needs a ride. She said "sure."He asks her where she wants to go and she said oh just to the top of the hill over there...so he takes her and she said you can stop here. She looks at him and asks if he wants a blowjob and he says that would be great! So the lady blows him and when she is finished she said.."That will be $15." He looks at her and asks "Why should I pay you $15?" and the lady said.. "I forgot to tell you I'm a hooker."

The man looks at her and said " Well you owe me $20." The lady then says 'why would I owe you $20?"... He said because I forgot to tell you that I'm a taxi driver.

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bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
Each day on his way to school Johnny would have to pass by this whore house. Each morning the same lady would be out there sitting on the steps, smoking a cigarette in her blue robe. When Johnny would pass by she would wave to him with her pinky finger and say "Hi little boy."

This went on for about a week and the boy was not understanding what she was doing so he went to her and asked..." Why each time I pass by you wave to me with your pinky and say "Hi little boy" to me?

She said "Well, you are a little boy and that is how I express it."

So the following day he passes by again and she is there and the normal happens.. She waves with her pinky and says " Hi little boy."

The little boy drops his bookbag and puts his index fingers inside his mouth pulling out hard on each cheek and yells " Hey you fucking whore!"
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bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
For anybody who doesn't know who Hellen Keller was she was a moot. Blind, deaf and dumb. These are a bit older so maybe you've heard some of them.

How did Helen Keller break her arm?
Trying to read a speed limit sign.

How did she burn her fingers?
Trying to read the waffle iron.

Why was her leg yellow?
Her dog was blind too.

How did she burn her ear?
Answering the iron.

How did her parents punish her?
Left the toilet plunger in the toilet. ( Or, rearrange the furniture)

Why did her dog jump off of the cliff?
You would too if your name was ( Can't spell how it would sound but its how a moot would call a dog) Funny when heard.:mrgreen:
 
bluetick

bluetick

Well-Known Member
Three guys go to a party and it grows and grows until they all get separated. They meet up a few days later and were all discussing how fucked up they got at that party.

The first guy says..." Man, I got so fucked up that night I went home and blew chunks!"

Second guy said..."Thats nothing! I ran my car into a ditch and hit a telephone pole on the way home. Ditched the car and called a taxi and tow truck."

Third guys says .. " I have you both beat. When I got home I started banging my girl and didn't realize it but knocked over the candle onto the carpet and caught the damn place on fire. Fire trucks and police showed up and everything."

First guy leans over in a calm voice and says..." I don't think you guys understand but 'Chunks' is my dog."
 
Xeno420

Xeno420

Active Member
bluetick said:
For anybody who doesn't know who Hellen Keller was she was a moot. Blind, deaf and dumb. These are a bit older so maybe you've heard some of them.

How did Helen Keller break her arm?
Trying to read a speed limit sign.

How did she burn her fingers?
Trying to read the waffle iron.

Why was her leg yellow?
Her dog was blind too.

How did she burn her ear?
Answering the iron.

How did her parents punish her?
Left the toilet plunger in the toilet. ( Or, rearrange the furniture)

Why did her dog jump off of the cliff?
You would too if your name was ( Can't spell how it would sound but its how a moot would call a dog) Funny when heard.:mrgreen:
Click to expand...
This is fucked up but it's hella funny! lol, good job.
 
thechoroid

thechoroid

Active Member
XxNinjaxX said:
Keeping with the theme of nuns:

A Man was driving down the toad when he saw a sign that said 'Our Ladies Of Christ Brothel' '50 Miles'.
Sure that he has misread he shrugs it off and continues driving. He then sees a sign that says 'Our Ladies Of Christ Brothel' '20 Miles'. The man is so intrigued that when he sees the sign saying 'Out Ladies Of Christ Brothel' 'Next Left', he decides to stop in and check it out.
He knocks on the door and is greated by a Hot Nun. He says to her "Sister, I'm not sure if u know this or not, but there is a sign out on the road saying that this is a Brothel".
"It is" she replies.
"$100 2b Fukd by our Ladies of Christ'.
The man decides he wants a piece of this action and pays the head nun the $100 fee.
"Follow me" she says.
The man follows her through the church until they come to a big set of doors. The nun states that this is as far as shecan take him, but if he goes through that door then he will be fukd by A lady of Christ.
The man eagerly heads through the door and finds himself once again outside the church. As he turns to go back inside he finds the door is locked and there is a sign on the door saying 'You have just been Fukd by Our Ladies of Christ'.
Click to expand...
Lol. Here's one more. A guy had a problem keeping his penis down and whenever he saw any girl, it would rise like a monster. He goes to the doctor and asks for help.The doctor reccommends he pour some cold water on it and it should go back to normal. So this guy was once in a party with booties bouncin and asses kickin so had a major super hard on. He runs to the kitchen to find some cold water but finds only milk in the fridge. As he starts pouting it out on his weener, 2 nuns saw him through the glass and the first says to the other: "I told you they refill them":)
 
v12xjs

v12xjs

Well-Known Member
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major break through because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
Mundan

Mundan

Active Member
ok gonna give this a try.

There was an old rooster who had been on the same farm his whole life and never had a problem being the alpha male but now coming to the end of his life the farmer decided it was time to buy a new rooster. Returning home from the market the farmer brought with him a young buffed up Rhode island red. The young rooster approaches the old one and says "This is my land now old man so get use to it". The old rooster responds Ok young buck if you can beat me in a race around the farm house I will let you have all you see but I only wish for a 5 second head start". The young rooster agrees as the old rooster takes off running and after waiting 5 seconds takes of as well.As they approach the front porch of the farm house the old rooster see's the young rooster approaching fast and falls face first to the ground and starts squawking as if being killed.The farmer hears this and see's the old rooster being chased bye the young one. Upon retrieving his shotgun he fires one shot killing the young one. The farmer shakes his head and says "Damn that's the third gay rooster I killed this week"
 
rebelfied

rebelfied

Well-Known Member
Mundan said:
ok gonna give this a try.

There was an old rooster who had been on the same farm his whole life and never had a problem being the alpha male but now coming to the end of his life the farmer decided it was time to buy a new rooster. Returning home from the market the farmer brought with him a young buffed up Rhode island red. The young rooster approaches the old one and says "This is my land now old man so get use to it". The old rooster responds Ok young buck if you can beat me in a race around the farm house I will let you have all you see but I only wish for a 5 second head start". The young rooster agrees as the old rooster takes off running and after waiting 5 seconds takes of as well.As they approach the front porch of the farm house the old rooster see's the young rooster approaching fast and falls face first to the ground and starts squawking as if being killed.The farmer hears this and see's the old rooster being chased bye the young one. Upon retrieving his shotgun he fires one shot killing the young one. The farmer shakes his head and says "Damn that's the third gay rooster I killed this week"
Click to expand...
Repoast:-|:joint:
 
toocoolo

toocoolo

Well-Known Member
shajuggalo said:
whats the difference between a drunk and a stoner.

a drunk stops at a stop sign and a stoner waits for it to turn green
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LOL!!! Good one!

I remember driving with a friend a while ago. Both stoned to the bone stopped at a malfunctioning streetlight that was just flashing it's 3 lights randomly. We just stopped there for hours hoping it would come to a sense. After a while we both agreed that the stoplight was probably high too, probably on something way stronger. We named it "The street light on crack", and thought it was a cool name for a band. We passed by it while it kept flashing the 3 colors randomly while we kept driving...
 
mrsag3

mrsag3

Member
shajuggalo said:
whats the difference between a drunk and a stoner.

a drunk stops at a stop sign and a stoner waits for it to turn green
Click to expand...
Haha I'd forgotten that one, I always heard it as a drunk will run a red light but a stoner will stop for a green one... classic. Here's my bit.



A bus, carrying only butt-ugly people crashes into a gasoline truck and everyone inside burns and dies. They meet their Maker and, because of the pain they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.

"I want to be beautiful, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be handsome!" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with everyone making the same wish. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling, and he gets louder and louder with each wish. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrollably, barely able to breathe, tears running down his cheeks.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, "Make 'em all ugly, again."
 
N

ndosmoke

Active Member
white man black man and asian manget shipwrecked on an island... to survive they serparate the work detail... whiteman,"i'll get the wood, black man you get the water, and asian man you get the supplies." So the nexyt morning the whitemans wood and the blackmans water was there, but no asian man. they seearched the whole entire island for him all day. they came to an entrance to a dark cave, and the asian man popped out and yelled " SUPPLIES!!!"
 
N

ndosmoke

Active Member
a man and his wife were in their bedroom... the wife is standing in the mirror and says " baby, i feel fat and ugly... give me a compliment". the man said "bitch you got perfect vision."
 
N

ndosmoke

Active Member
i bought a new deodorant today. the directions said" Take off top & Push up bottom". It's hard to walk, but my farts smell freakin awesome!
 
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