Low

the lowest part of my life. all i can do now is sit back and think about how everything go so fucked up in the first place. It SUCKS, it pulls me down into the blackness inside my mind, tortures me with words and flashes of situations i cannot control or change. I feel worthless and undeserving of what little life i have..i am running two lives with the power of half a person and am wearing thin. My body is weak and getting weaker as the days go on, my mind is jelly. Stuck between two worlds and struggling to bridge the gap i press on.
At times i question my devotion to the one thing that can pull me up, as i take another drag i ask myself is this solving or causing the problem? My mind opens, the noises stop, the visions less graphic...i feel strong, I can conquer the world. Another drag and i am the world..i fell love and sadness, anger and happiness, the troubles of my body are not that of my soul. The soul is wild and restless from it's extended slumber. it screams to be free, and it shall. I feel a tingle in the front of my head, it is my third eye opening...the soul can now see. My body no longer feels heavy and tired, it is only a vessel, a machine.
Deep Breath....IN.......OUT.....IN.....OUT

Hey my good man, how are you doing? I can relate to your feelings completely, but I have made it to the other side.

I lived a horrible existance for years, broken down by the world and all the crap that was it.

Hang in there!!!!! Things will get better, but you have to work at it.

One thing to consider though, my drug use just pulled me lower, even though when I used it it made things better.

I still use but now I use for a completely different reason. I never use when I am feeling down, only use to accenuate a beautiful day.

There is times now that I haved used when I am feeling sorry for myself, and then I realize that it only pulls me deeper the next day.

I have walked this stretch of road, if your open for it, I would like to TRY to help, as I am no expert. Only a person who has great compassion.

Keep your chin up, life is beautiful.

It is always darkest just before the dawn. When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade.

plantvision said:

Hey my good man, how are you doing? I can relate to your feelings completely, but I have made it to the other side.

I lived a horrible existance for years, broken down by the world and all the crap that was it.

Hang in there!!!!! Things will get better, but you have to work at it.

One thing to consider though, my drug use just pulled me lower, even though when I used it it made things better.

I still use but now I use for a completely different reason. I never use when I am feeling down, only use to accenuate a beautiful day.

There is times now that I haved used when I am feeling sorry for myself, and then I realize that it only pulls me deeper the next day.

I have walked this stretch of road, if your open for it, I would like to TRY to help, as I am no expert. Only a person who has great compassion.

Keep your chin up, life is beautiful.

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Thank you for your kind words...that is my struggle, i use because of my PTSD which stops the madness in my head, but like you said somtime i find it is counter productive to bettering my family, so i feel worthless. i am unable to contribute do to my mental state and the only medicine that helps me see the the world for all it's beauty also keeps me down from a social perspective.. I told my sister i was a medical patient last month and she lost it on me and called me a drug addict(alcoholism runs hella strong in my family) so subsequently i haven't told my mother either (not that i care, i am an adult) but everyone groundless of age seeks approval from their family ...My wife is a trooper, she gets me, but is not without her own issues...like the blind leading the blind on days..

Little Tommy said:

It is always darkest just before the dawn. When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade.

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It's been dark in my mind since 2008 and the lemonade has long since spoiled...I DO thank you for your kind words..this site has been very beneficial to my psychosis..the people here are a lot alike, very caring and generous.

DAY TWO (Low redux)
The mind scrambles as the euphoria leaves...back to disaster mode...life sets in.
What bills should i pay? what do i tell my family? How do i look her in the face?
My confusion is only surpassed by an overwhelming feeling i am not doing enough, and the confidence others had in me is gone.
I sit, legs folded, arms crossed, i breath....IN......OUT.....IN.....OUT...no change
I continue to breath....IN................OUT...............IN...............OUT.........IN........OUT....i feel the door open...
IN.......OUT.......IN......OUT....

I'm just gonna send u a million hugs!!!!! Chin up sweety

im pretty sure crying does not help.................get your ass off the floor make something happen............r u smoking pcp?

Everybody has baggage. Before I was legal I had to sit down with my 10 year old daughter and explain about dads garden in the basement. I just grow for myself to medicate for chronic pain. I was crushed from the waist down hit by a drunk driver. I have been to the edge of death and back. That was 25 years ago and the anxiety and trauma haunts me on a daily basis. It took me three years to learn to walk again unassisted, if you call this walking. I have no complaints. It isn't about the destination, but the journey. They told me I would never walk again or have kids and I have a 13 year old daughter that begs to differ. Every day is a struggle and I try to stay focused on how much better this is compared to the alternative. They told my wife at the hospital that if I made it through the night, they were going to amputate my leg in the morning. Now, motivate thyself before I kick you in the pants with the leg they wanted to cut off.

april said:

I'm just gonna send u a million hugs!!!!! Chin up sweety

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Thanks April...your one in a million

wayno30 said:

im pretty sure crying does not help.................get your ass off the floor make something happen............r u smoking pcp?

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Not crying, not smoking PCP either, just writing down my thoughts as i see them....but you are right, nothing will happen until i make it so...just a little low this week.

Little Tommy said:

Everybody has baggage. Before I was legal I had to sit down with my 10 year old daughter and explain about dads garden in the basement. I just grow for myself to medicate for chronic pain. I was crushed from the waist down hit by a drunk driver. I have been to the edge of death and back. That was 25 years ago and the anxiety and trauma haunts me on a daily basis. It took me three years to learn to walk again unassisted, if you call this walking. I have no complaints. It isn't about the destination, but the journey. They told me I would never walk again or have kids and I have a 13 year old daughter that begs to differ. Every day is a struggle and I try to stay focused on how much better this is compared to the alternative. They told my wife at the hospital that if I made it through the night, they were going to amputate my leg in the morning. Now, motivate thyself before I kick you in the pants with the leg they wanted to cut off.

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You and I have alot in common....I got into a car accident in 08 that almost killed me (and given the day, i wish it had) I was lucky and got away with only minor injuries, broken foot, chips in my knee cap (causes 90% of my physical pain), 3" puncture wound to my thigh...I have flashes of car accidents and i can FEEL the pain like it was fresh...if i see a car wreck on TV it causes me to break down and have a panic attack and hyperventilation....So i get what your saying and truly believe you have been there...thanks again
here is a pic of the car....this is how it sat after the accident, still chilling to see it

Hang in there man. I'm feeling pretty low too. Lower than a bow legged caterpillar.