Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS

Wow, I haven't been on RIU in a long time, stopped by to see what was going on and started on page one of this thread, that was about a month ago. I finally got to the end.
Anyhoooo, I thought this was hilarious: BBC in Iraq.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=bbc+in+iraq&aq=f

This guy's sitting in a bar talking to a stranger, he says "Took my wife out to fancy restaurant last night and everyone kept staring at us and staring at us. I know we seem like an odd couple, I'm 52 and she's only 20, but they kept staring and staring. Completely ruined our tenth anniversary."

This guy walks into his favorite bar and see's a good buddy sitting there, he walks up and says "You won't believe what happened to me yesterday, I was walking by the railroad tracks and found a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and she came home with me and we had amazing sex, we did it in the kitchen, in the dining room in, in every room in the house all night long!
His buddy says "Wow, that's an amazing story, was she good looking?"
He says "I don't know, I never did find her head."

herbose, i invite you to check out the thread "guy walks into a bar ... " Many good jokes there. cn

cannabineer said:

herbose, i invite you to check out the thread "guy walks into a bar ... " Many good jokes there. cn

Click to expand...

Thanks cn, I didn't even know there was such a thread.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.'
</B></I></U>

herbose said:

Pet Fish
Posted by 1STSGT on Jun 20, 2011 09:31

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by agame warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right backinto my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of bull....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

​

Click to expand...

That's a good one lol

Teacher: Class, it's an interesting liguistic fact that, in English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative.

Student: Yeah, right.

Question: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort?

Answer: Enough to kill 2 1/2 men!

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Cleveland were
> listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
> "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
> on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
> So the good wife went out and moved her car.
>
> A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
> announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
> park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
> get through."
>
> The good wife went out and moved her car again.
>
> The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
> announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
> park ...." Then the electric power went out.
>
> The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her
> face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
> need
> to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
>
> Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men
> who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you
> just leave the car in the garage this time?"

On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider,and a Russian soldier found them- selves sharing a tent while on a military exercise and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.

"In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.

"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories of food a day."

At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one man eat so much cabbage?"

How to Bathe the Cat
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and will produce ample suds. (ignore rucus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door,stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.
Sincerly, The Dog