The UK Growers Thread!
- Thread starter lozac123
- Start date
dura72
Well-Known Member
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
kevin murphy
New Member
anyone else i meant lol..
RobbieP
Well-Known Member
used to see a bird from bolton, spent alot of time round those ways ... walkden manchester , oldham .. etc .. used to shop at that supermarket next to reebok stadium .. asda i think ??
PUKKA BUD
Well-Known Member
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
PUKKA BUD
Well-Known Member
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion.. ..... heartstopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate", "but......" stammers the driver, "Now...or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do it again!" "but....." says the driver. "Now...." So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."
dura72
Well-Known Member
Back at the start of the world God and Jesus are designing earth
Jesus turns to god and says 'Dad, what are you going to make Scotland like?
'It'll be great son' God replies, 'A land of high mountains and deep valleys, there will be rivers and lochs full of trout and salmon, there will be herds of deer running over fields of purple heather. It'll be brilliant country'
Jesus said to God don't you think you're being far too generous to the Scots?
To which God replies, 'Aye, but wait till you see the shite i'm giving them for neighbours.'
Jesus turns to god and says 'Dad, what are you going to make Scotland like?
'It'll be great son' God replies, 'A land of high mountains and deep valleys, there will be rivers and lochs full of trout and salmon, there will be herds of deer running over fields of purple heather. It'll be brilliant country'
Jesus said to God don't you think you're being far too generous to the Scots?
To which God replies, 'Aye, but wait till you see the shite i'm giving them for neighbours.'
dura72
Well-Known Member
An Englishman is driving through a village whilst in holiday in Ireland. As he drives past the horse troughs in the centre of the village, he notices a crazy looking old Paddy fishing in one of the troughs. Into the water he's dangling a piece of string which is tied to an old broom stick. The Englishman decides to poke fun at the dumb Mick so he stops, reverses and calls out form the car window: "You caught anything yet?" Without bothering to look up, the old bloke says: "Aye, and you'd be the fifth today."
dura72
Well-Known Member
How temperature affects the mind!
40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last BBQ before it gets cold.
-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.
-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.
-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying "A bit hill billy ... eh?"
-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup
40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last BBQ before it gets cold.
-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.
-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.
-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying "A bit hill billy ... eh?"
-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup
dura72
Well-Known Member
50 pure dead giveaways that you are Scottish
1.Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind, is your idea of good weather.
2.The only sausage you like is square.
3.You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.
4.You have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty is an idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is someone over 40, and Baltic is cold.
5.You have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy, as long as its deep fried Haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken and battered Mars Bars.
6.You used to love destroying your teeth with Penny Dainties, Wham Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms.
7.You always greet people by talking about the weather.
8.Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when they are played in a club abroad. (in fact you'll probably ask the DJ to play it)
9.You have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotlandplay a diddy team.
10.You are proud that Scotlandhas the highest number of alcohol and smoking deaths in Europe.
11.You used to watch Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin.
12.You got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas.
13.You only enjoy Weirs Way on the telly, when you are pissed.
14.You are able to recognise the regional dilect, (Glasgow) "Awright pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper nat, Cheers, magic pal. (Aberdeen) Fitlike Loon? Furryboots ya bin up tae? fair few quines in the night, min. (Inverness) Ah-eee right enuffff! How's you keeeepeeeen?
15.You know the police are about to arrive when you hear someone shout Errapolis.
16.You have witnessed a "Square Go"
17.You know that when you are asked which School you attended they really mean, "Are you Catholic or Proddy?"
18.You have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen Skink, Tunnocks Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers, Porage, Macaroon Bar, Baxters Soup, Scotch Pie, Oatcakes.
19.A Jakey has ask you for 10p for a cuppa tea.
20.You wait at the shop counter for 1p change.
21.You know that the right response to you dancing? "is you askin?" followed by "am askin" and finally then "am dancin".
22.You associated sawdust with vomit, coz the "jannie" always, used to pour it over sick in school.
23.You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.
24.You don't do shopping, you "go for the messages."
25.You're on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to.
26.You are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three words only,-- Awright, aye, and naw.
27.When you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, "You no well?"
28.You have heard the following:
You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat,
700 hungry weans'll testify to that,
If its butter, cheese or jelly,
If the breed is plain or pan,
The chances o' it reachin earth,
Are ninety nine tae wan.
29. You know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot.
30.Your holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a heatwave back home.
31.Scotlandgo 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think, getting beat 3-2 was no a bad result.
32.You can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Kirkcaldy.
33.You love deep fried Pizza.
34.You cant pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub.
35.You are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, winter, autumn, winter)
36.You can fall when drunk and not spill your drink.
37.You see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories, and think 'thats class'.
38.You measure distance in minutes.
39.You understand Rab C. Nesbitt.
40.You go to Saltcoats because you think its abroad.
41.You can make a whole sentence using only swear words.
42.You know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it.
43.You know someone who planned their wedding around the football fixtures.
44.You have been to a wedding and the football results have been announced in church.
45.You are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the following: Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint, Shoes etc.
46.Your seaside home has Calor gas under it.
47.You know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure.
48.You could swear before you could count.
49.You would 'nut' a terrorist if they tried to bomb your Airport.
50.You are truly Scottish when you understand the following- How's it hingin?, clatty, boggin', cludgie, Bawheid, bawbag, and double nougat.
1.Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind, is your idea of good weather.
2.The only sausage you like is square.
3.You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.
4.You have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty is an idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is someone over 40, and Baltic is cold.
5.You have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy, as long as its deep fried Haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken and battered Mars Bars.
6.You used to love destroying your teeth with Penny Dainties, Wham Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms.
7.You always greet people by talking about the weather.
8.Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when they are played in a club abroad. (in fact you'll probably ask the DJ to play it)
9.You have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotlandplay a diddy team.
10.You are proud that Scotlandhas the highest number of alcohol and smoking deaths in Europe.
11.You used to watch Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin.
12.You got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas.
13.You only enjoy Weirs Way on the telly, when you are pissed.
14.You are able to recognise the regional dilect, (Glasgow) "Awright pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper nat, Cheers, magic pal. (Aberdeen) Fitlike Loon? Furryboots ya bin up tae? fair few quines in the night, min. (Inverness) Ah-eee right enuffff! How's you keeeepeeeen?
15.You know the police are about to arrive when you hear someone shout Errapolis.
16.You have witnessed a "Square Go"
17.You know that when you are asked which School you attended they really mean, "Are you Catholic or Proddy?"
18.You have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen Skink, Tunnocks Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers, Porage, Macaroon Bar, Baxters Soup, Scotch Pie, Oatcakes.
19.A Jakey has ask you for 10p for a cuppa tea.
20.You wait at the shop counter for 1p change.
21.You know that the right response to you dancing? "is you askin?" followed by "am askin" and finally then "am dancin".
22.You associated sawdust with vomit, coz the "jannie" always, used to pour it over sick in school.
23.You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.
24.You don't do shopping, you "go for the messages."
25.You're on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to.
26.You are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three words only,-- Awright, aye, and naw.
27.When you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, "You no well?"
28.You have heard the following:
You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat,
700 hungry weans'll testify to that,
If its butter, cheese or jelly,
If the breed is plain or pan,
The chances o' it reachin earth,
Are ninety nine tae wan.
29. You know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot.
30.Your holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a heatwave back home.
31.Scotlandgo 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think, getting beat 3-2 was no a bad result.
32.You can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Kirkcaldy.
33.You love deep fried Pizza.
34.You cant pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub.
35.You are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, winter, autumn, winter)
36.You can fall when drunk and not spill your drink.
37.You see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories, and think 'thats class'.
38.You measure distance in minutes.
39.You understand Rab C. Nesbitt.
40.You go to Saltcoats because you think its abroad.
41.You can make a whole sentence using only swear words.
42.You know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it.
43.You know someone who planned their wedding around the football fixtures.
44.You have been to a wedding and the football results have been announced in church.
45.You are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the following: Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint, Shoes etc.
46.Your seaside home has Calor gas under it.
47.You know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure.
48.You could swear before you could count.
49.You would 'nut' a terrorist if they tried to bomb your Airport.
50.You are truly Scottish when you understand the following- How's it hingin?, clatty, boggin', cludgie, Bawheid, bawbag, and double nougat.
supersillybilly
Well-Known Member
Awrite guys, just back fae golf. Played shite yet again. There was a guy here looking for bloom boosters. The best Ive used is Overdrive, pricey but well worth it. The only thing good about the English, is shafting their woman. English tarts all seem to love a bit of Scottish prime meat. Hows your temps Dura, its clamy as fuck here
supersillybilly
Well-Known Member
There fucking awrite Pukka. Ive got dinner with the girls mum and dad then down to my m8's who wants to do a grow and we are going to build his room. This will entail lots of White powder, whisky and weed. All the W's. lol Hows u m8
supersillybilly
Well-Known Member
It always gets messy. lol You should try that Sarvana cider fae South Africa. Well good