All your shitty jokes

lokie

lokie

Well-Known Member
well since the funny has worn off there is this tidbit.

What are wasps good for?
Hornets and paper wasps prey on other insects and help keep pest insect populations under control. Paper wasps carry caterpillars and leaf beetle larvae back to their nests to feed their growing young. Hornets provision their nests with all manner of live insects to sate the appetites of their developing larvae.

Is there anything good about wasps?
The insect population would grow and hammer the plants. The plants then wouldn't reproduce properly, which is bad for ants, which eat and disperse seeds, and then the seeds wouldn't be spread. Wasps are beneficial to humans because they eat a lot of caterpillars and small white larvae that feed on vegetables
 
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LondonSeedCentre

LondonSeedCentre

Well-Known Member
Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.

When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better!

"Thank you for shopping at Asda "



Jacob
 
BudmanTX

BudmanTX

Well-Known Member
Bikers were riding west on I-70 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??
 
BudmanTX

BudmanTX

Well-Known Member
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be out done the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
 
raratt

raratt

Well-Known Member
A guy is talking to his friend about learning how to hunt. His friend recommended he goes to see another guy he knows that is the "Greatest Hunter in the World"
So the guy goes to Mr Great's house and is welcomed to come view his trophy room. There were all kinds of trophy mounts from his expeditions there.
Mr Great told the guy "All you have to do is go out in the woods and call to the animals and they will come to you, then you shoot them. Bear season is opening soon, I got the bear on the wall from yelling Hey Bear come here! after hiding my gun behind my back. The bear walked close enough, then I shot it."
The guy was thinking no way, but the evidence was on the walls that it worked. So the guy walked out in the woods looking for a bear. He was walking for miles and finally saw a bear on the other side of a ravine. He hid his gun behind his back and yelled to the bear "Hey Bear Come Here!"
The bear stopped in it's tracks. He did it again and the bear started walking toward him and into the ravine. He's thinking damn, this just might work.
He stood there waiting 5, 10, 15, 30 minutes and no bear. He thought "Screw this, I knew it wouldn't work" turned his back on the ravine and started to walk away. About that time the bear came running out of the ravine and grabbed him from behind knocking the gun from his hands and pinning his arms to his body. He thought his only way to free himself was to hit the bear in his junk. So he started hitting the bear and the bear was enjoying what he was doing, in fact the bear came all over him, which made him slippery and he escaped the bear hug.
He ran up the ridge, down the other side, up to the top of another ridge and finally thought he would look back to see where the bear was.

The bear was still standing in the same spot he escaped from and when it saw him it yelled out "Hey Mr Come Here!"
 
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