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Omigod! *girly squeal of hysterical excitement* Supersillybilly likes me! I've got to tell the other girls! :D Not talking would work sometimes too, but my point was that one of the first things I noticed when I got back home was how fucking rude English blokes are to their wives/ girlfriends/...

You won't like it - too much hard work :D But ok. You take the trouble to talk to her like a lady in public, to sweet talk her in private and to dirty talk properly (no fish buckets) in bed or [insert relevant location]. That's why English girls turn into such sluts on their annual...

OK well maybe you should sort of, umm, I dunno, find out?! Cellulitis sounds like a disease invented by manufacturers of gimmicky thigh creams. Can't google simultaneously while posting on this phone. Stupid phone. Otherwise I'd google it. And if you're diabetic surely you should be on the...

Yikes. What's with your flesh wounds then?

You deleted the diagnosis. That sounds ominous... Go on.

Forgot to say (and I'm the last man standing now so basically talking to myself) - mate there are many combinations of many words that can turn a girl into a porn-star sex slave, but that ain't ten of 'em. The fine art of dirty talk: learn it. You'll thank me and send me bouquets of buds and...

Sounds shitty. What exactly is wrong with your foot? Apart from the fact that it puts people off their food ;) I've got a few Xanax rolling around if they'd help you sleep or whatever, don't use them myself, too addictive =) Not quite sure why you'd feel obliged to check into hospital - superior...

Sticks and stones mate =) How's the foot? New drugs working out for you, sleep-wise? *glancing pointedly at invisible watch*

Hmm. I'm crap with suspense. Even as a kid I used to leap out of bed to confront the monster head-on rather than patiently wait for morning/ sleep. I'd have to find a way to acquire a split personality. Dr Jekyll would be the nice respectable lady who wouldn't recognize weed if it tumbled out of...

OK, details beginning to crystallise... But I'm still paranoid about that smell seeping up through the floorboards of my living-room and me not really noticing (the whole frog-boiling syndrome) and then one day the cops turn up to say my brat has committed its first criminal offence, and as I...

*frantically scribbling notes* You know, an awful lot of different stories these days seem to end up with that same hamster heater :-/

Cool thanks =)

Thanks - wouldn't want to base my entire master plan* on some shite advice or inaccurate data, which is what I'd probably end up reading if I googled "how to hide heat signature of weed nursery". *That's my master plan for world domination, not the other one.

Ahh. Around these parts they use bicycles. Do you have a link to some definitive article on heat signatures? My house is built on a steep hill so the basement is actually ground-level one end and underground the other...

No, the kid is the one I use for hard labour. You'll be a kind of permanently stoned court jester. But I've worked you all out - none of you could share sleeping quarters with a bunch of baby marijuana plants without cooing over them, lovingly tending to them, feeding them, washing them, singing...

Eek! What were they doing up there?!

Munchies. Ice cream. Cold. They keep blathering about local raids on local "marijuana farms" in the local rag. I'm bottling out on the idea of using the basement as my farm (with TTT in a box to take care of them). It's a draughty house; the smell would leak out all over the place.

No TV. Now no broadband. Digging through my pathetic attempt at rebuilding my lost film archives: Watched it yesterday, watched it recently, shite, total rubbish, watched it last week, utter crap, this one doesn't work, total bollocks, watched it two days ago. Which one should I go for?

Dammit dammit dammit! I knew there was something I meant to download last week, in preparation for my broadband-less week. Which season?

Hmm don't think we can blame immigrants and illegals for the country going to shit mate