Okay, so its your very first grow ever, right? Here is what you need to do. First things first....buy the most expensive seeds you can find. And as many of them as you can, because you are going to kill them by the dozens
I can't stress this enough. Then you need to put it in a wet paper towel to germinate it. You should check on them every fifteen minutes or sooner to see if they have germinated yet. The second it does you need to have bought the most expensive soil and nutes and hired a shaman (trust me; he is worth it) directly from germination you need to get them in the soil after reading about 600 hours on the internet whether you should plant with the root tip up or down (reading should be done before hand) As soon as you get them in the soil you soak it with water and as much nutes as you can and have the shaman bless it. Then you lift it above your head like the sword of He-Man and dance around and think of all the great smoke and money you are going to have for the rest of your life off this one plant.
Now, you run it to your closet, or your tent, or the New house you bought to grow your one plant in. now is the hard part.... you have to check on the plant roughly every 7 to 8 minutes to see if it has popped yet, and every time you go in there make sure you are pissed because it isnt 10 foot tall yet. And all this happens before the seed even breaks the surface. Once it does your anxiety should immediately rocket to around 25 hits of X. Now as soon as it pops you need to check it about every 5 to 6 minutes, and be even more pissed when it isnt 12 foot tall now. This is the most important part....you have to think about them ALL THE TIME!!!! This helps them grow. now after they have popped you need to dump gallons and gallons of water on them and as much ferts as possible try to keep the top of the pot level with ferts, even if it covers the plant all the way up.
Okay; if some how they make it past this you will have a whole another set of worries. Now you have to read every last post on the internet about whether you should do 18/6, 24/0, 16/8 light cycle, and trust me; EVERYONE will know what they are talking about. Once you have read every, and I mean EVERY post! (Maybe try to learn to a new language to read other posts in)...or ask the shaman, you should have him living at your house by now. Now once you get the lights set...again the most expensive money can buy; because plants can not survive without thousands of dollars worth of lighting. Now you will need to check them about every 4 to 5 minutes and be even more pissed they aren't 14 foot tall.
It is around this point you might want to start sleeping right outside of the closet. Now, when you are sleeping you need to make sure you are dreaming of the plants every night. Again, this helps them grow. Your dreams should consist of a couple different things. One of my faves is when you dream vividly that they have all died overnight. This one wakes you up in cold sweats (trust me). Also, the one about the cops busting you will happen about once a week. Okay, now that you and the shaman are sleeping right outside the door your plants will start to grow. Remember, to water them about 14-15 times a day. Because when you grow weed MORE is ALWAYS better. Now, you have had your plants in veg for about 3 weeks. At, this point you should have one of two things happen, you have either lost your job, or your wife has left you over the plants. (Again; fuck them because you are going to be rich, remember?)
After vegging for 3 weeks you need to check on them every 2 to 3 minutes and be furious they are not 16 feet tall yet. Check more, if possible. KEEP thinking of them non-stop. If you don't think of them for one second they will die immediately. Now you have had them in veg for 6 weeks, now at this point you should have around 600 posts asking about every time a new leave grows or the soil looks too wet or too dry or something even looks a little out of place.
Now, you have started flowering, at this point you need to check them every 1 to 2 minutes. Try to stare at them long enough to make sure you turn them into females using just your mind. Well, at this point you should be living in the closet anyhow. You need to stare at them really hard....for the entire time the light is on. If you blink they will become male and pollinate every weed plant in your state. Once you get about 2 weeks into flowering (if you have survived the 3 nervous break downs youve had about what sex they are) you will see either balls or hairs. Just like most situations in life; balls are bad. At this point the shaman should have moved into the closet with you. Now for a couple days you are going to need to be on high alert. You will be looking at the plant so hard for balls that you will actually see it grow in front of your eyes. Everything in your life will look like a ball....your shirt, your shoes, your kids, your house, even soccer balls will look like balls. At this point you will have a live feed of your plant on the web asking everyone that will look at them if they see balls. Now finally the day will come and you will see some hairs. At this point you will go back on the internet and make sure you dont have a hermi. The only way you can make sure you dont have a hermi is with a couple thousand hours of reading and a hundred or so red bulls.
You will know you have a female. This is where the fun starts. This is where you start spending all the sweet cash your going to make. Now that you know it is female you should just stand over the plant and never be further than 6 inches away from it. You might want to invest in some adult diapers, or a colostomy bag at this point, because if you leave its side it will die in the time it takes you to take a piss. Right about now you should be thinking about the 14 to 15 pounds this plant is going to yield and worry about the Mexican cartel hunting you down for stealing their business. Make sure you put that down payment on the Ferrari you are going to buy with the 30 pounds this plant is going to produce. Because you are going to be hella rich! Also, you might want to consider knocking a hole in the roof of your house for how big the top cola is going to be. Around now you should have roughly 45,000 pictures of it and wonder why High Times hasn't called you about the center fold yet.
Now the buds are ready!!! You know because you have killed the shaman and his bones say they are. All right, we are almost home. You are going to harvest the 60 pounds of bud off this one plant. You step out of the closet long enough to get your Light saber (this is the kind of precision cutting tool you will need) but hurry; if youre gone longer than 20 seconds your plants will die. Right about now the Sun should really hurt you eyes and the fresh air will sting your lungs like a thousand fire ants, because you havent left the closet in 6 weeks. Plus, all youve had to eat is shaman remains, but keep going. You go back in and cut the buds with hands of a surgeon you just killed on the way back into the closet.
Now you have to hang them in a dry, dark place. It is at this time you need to dig a hole deep enough for you to get you and your 90 pounds of cuttings into; because it has to be DARK AND DRY. At this point you have not left the plant's side in many weeks; so be careful, you might step on the 4 foot beard you have grown. You RUN outside and dive into the hole (think Husseins spider hole) you stay down in there for about a week and a half and just stay in a state of crying and weeping as your 120 pounds of weed has shrunken to less than an ounce. Then you sell half of it for 40 bucks and smoke the other half in just one bong hit.....then you start the process all over again!!!!
If you have ever grown pot there has to be at least one part in here that tickled your funny bone. I hope you lol'ed!!!
