Jokes for laughs

nongreenthumb

nongreenthumb

Well-Known Member
Lets have your jokes i could do with a good laugh


Mrs brown is in a coma for quite a while with no response at all and the doctor and her husband are in the room.
Mr brown leans over mrs brown and as he does touches her tit by accident.
Ooooh murmered mrs brown. The doctor was amazed as this was the first response she had made since being in the hospital.
The doctor said try again but this time with the other one. Mrs brown oooh'd again.
Amazing said the doctor it seems to be related to sexual contact. The doctor thought for a while and came up with an idea, he suggested that mr brown try oral sex, so the doctor left them alone as its a private matter. He left the room and then a massive crash n bang could be heard, the doctor ran in the room to see what had happened.
Mrs brown was dead, he asked mr brown what happened he said she choked.
 
th3bigbad

th3bigbad

Well-Known Member
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?" Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

an attemp to smok'em out lol
 
mogie

mogie

Well-Known Member
How do you know that all Tickle Me Elmo dolls are male? They all get two test tickles at the manufacturing plant.
 
TillthedayiDIE420

TillthedayiDIE420

Well-Known Member
th3bigbad said:
Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?" Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

an attemp to smok'em out lol
Click to expand...
Haha Lad, very funny joke.
 
ablazed blunt

ablazed blunt

Well-Known Member
I got one for ya,

This guy walks into a bar and the bartender said, "I'll bet you $50 that you can't go around back and make that donkey laugh. The guy saids okay and goes around back and makes that donkey laugh and then comes back and asks for the money.
The bartender hands over the money and says, " I bet you $50 that you can't go back and make the donkey cry. The man gets up and goes and makes the donkey cry and comes back and asks for the money.
The bartender hands over another 50 and asked, " How you do that"?

The guy says, " Well first I went and told the donkey that I had a bigger dick then his and he laughed. Then I went back there again and proved it to him and he cryed."

Thats the best I can do for now.
 
th3bigbad

th3bigbad

Well-Known Member
i gota ton-o-cop jokes

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
 
ablazed blunt

ablazed blunt

Well-Known Member
th3bigbad said:
i gota ton-o-cop jokes

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Click to expand...
That was good. I like that one.
 
nongreenthumb

nongreenthumb

Well-Known Member
Buffalo bill owns a ranch. One day he asks one of his helpers to do him a favour. Theres been a report that a pig has damaged the outer fence and there a chance that all the animals could get loose. So he sends ted up to check it out. He gives him a 4x4 and strict instructions get up to the fence fix it and he gets any problems call him over the radio. So ted goes off and gets to the outer fence. About an hour later Buffalo bill gets a holla from ted. Ted says I've got a small problem, i was driving out and I hit a pig and now its stuck in the bull bars at the front. Buffalo bill says ok, sounds like shes a gonna anyway better get the shotgun out the back and put her out of her misery then just put her in the back of the truck and bring her back after you fixed the fence ok. Ted agrees. 10 minutes later Bill gets another call from ted. Bill I still got trouble I killed the pig like you said n put it in the back but i still cant go anywhere. Bill asks why. Ted says cus the fucking motorcycle is stuck under the wheels
 
warmboe

warmboe

Well-Known Member
Let me start by saying I love all people, including jewish. (Maybe not priests though)

That said;
A jew and a priest saw a little boy. The priest said "hey lets go fuck that little boy!" :hump: The jew said, "ok, out of what?":lol:
 
F

fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
there is an old wise bull and a young green bull standing atop a knoll overlooking a herd of cows.

the young bull looks to the other and says, "Hey, lets say we run down there and fuck one of those cows".

the wise bull looks back and calmly replies, "Let's say we WALK down there and fuck 'em all".
 
th3bigbad

th3bigbad

Well-Known Member
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute, since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing. As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey, what about my money?" The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. She said, "Come here", and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition, "Has sex and gets paid." Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "koala" and showed her its definition, "Eats bush and leaves"
 
ablazed blunt

ablazed blunt

Well-Known Member
th3bigbad said:
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute, since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing. As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey, what about my money?" The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. She said, "Come here", and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition, "Has sex and gets paid." Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "koala" and showed her its definition, "Eats bush and leaves"
Click to expand...
Thats a good one. I laugh my ass off.
 
Nimbliez

Nimbliez

Well-Known Member
A cab driver was driving down Manhattan Ave, one cold and rainy night.
A woman's hand hailed the taxi from an alley opening ahead, and the driver whipped the cab over right in front of the alley. The driver glanced into the mirror and saw a soaking wet totally nekkid woman sitting in the back seat. Being modest he glanced away and a few seconds glanced back to the mirror. The somewhat irritated, wet, and nekkid female locked the drivers eyes in the mirror and inquired " Just what the hell are you looking at?" The driver glanced away again, and replied " well ma'am I noticed you were a little on the nekkid side and I was wondering how you were gonna pay for the fare?" With that the woman hoised both feet to the top of the front seat and said, "How about this?" The cab driver glanced once.... glanced twice.... and said "Got anything smaller?"
 
Scepter1987

Scepter1987

Well-Known Member
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.... JUST KIDDING!!!

A guy walks into a bar and sits at the counter and orders a drink. As he is sitting there, he looks up above the bar and sees a sign that reads. "$500 to anyone who can complete the three tasks! Ask bar tender for details" So he sits there for a few minutes, wondering what they could be... So finally, he asks the bar tender, "Hey buddy, whats these three tasks all about for the $500?" The bar tender looks at him and walks over to the bar saying, "Well, first you have to take 5 shots of this here whiskey, Then you have to go out back, there is a lion, he has a tooth ache, you must pull the tooth out, then when you finish that, go upstairs and there is an old lady that needs to be pleasured, then you get your money." The guy looks at him with a weird face, finishes his drink and leaves. The next night he comes back, sits at the counter and says to the bartender, "I'll Do It!" So the bartender sets up 5 shot glasses and pours into them the strongest whiskey he has. After they guy shoots all the whiskey he is looking a little staggered and asks the bartender, "... What was that there second task again?" the bartender looks at him and says, "The lion?" and he says, "Oh Yeah." So he goes out back and the bartender hears Roaring and yelling, and More roaring for about 10 minutes now, Just as the bartender is starting to get worried the guy comes in and looks at the bartender. He was torn up, looking at the bartender he asks, "OK! Wheres the old lady that needs her tooth pulled!?"


SCEPTER:leaf:
 
TillthedayiDIE420

TillthedayiDIE420

Well-Known Member
fdd2blk said:
there is an old wise bull and a young green bull standing atop a knoll overlooking a herd of cows.

the young bull looks to the other and says, "Hey, lets say we run down there and fuck one of those cows".

the wise bull looks back and calmly replies, "Let's say we WALK down there and fuck 'em all".
Click to expand...
haha mate, good one
 
TillthedayiDIE420

TillthedayiDIE420

Well-Known Member
Scepter1987 said:
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.... JUST KIDDING!!!

A guy walks into a bar and sits at the counter and orders a drink. As he is sitting there, he looks up above the bar and sees a sign that reads. "$500 to anyone who can complete the three tasks! Ask bar tender for details" So he sits there for a few minutes, wondering what they could be... So finally, he asks the bar tender, "Hey buddy, whats these three tasks all about for the $500?" The bar tender looks at him and walks over to the bar saying, "Well, first you have to take 5 shots of this here whiskey, Then you have to go out back, there is a lion, he has a tooth ache, you must pull the tooth out, then when you finish that, go upstairs and there is an old lady that needs to be pleasured, then you get your money." The guy looks at him with a weird face, finishes his drink and leaves. The next night he comes back, sits at the counter and says to the bartender, "I'll Do It!" So the bartender sets up 5 shot glasses and pours into them the strongest whiskey he has. After they guy shoots all the whiskey he is looking a little staggered and asks the bartender, "... What was that there second task again?" the bartender looks at him and says, "The lion?" and he says, "Oh Yeah." So he goes out back and the bartender hears Roaring and yelling, and More roaring for about 10 minutes now, Just as the bartender is starting to get worried the guy comes in and looks at the bartender. He was torn up, looking at the bartender he asks, "OK! Wheres the old lady that needs her tooth pulled!?"


SCEPTER:leaf:
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHAHA good one mate






Why do seaguls live by the sea? fdd
 
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