I'm a person that likes to put myself in all positions of an argument and really never make a true decision. I've contemplated suicide and have been very close to fulfilling my thoughts. The only way I get through it is to think that the next day will be better than this moment. I'm a very shy person and somewhat beat myself up for this; its not a good mindset to have. Lately, i've been trying to break through this and havent had much success, so I accept that. I'm me and there is nothing that I can do about it.
But what really sucks about all of this, is that i've somewhat come to the conclusion that we are here for no reason. My theory is that we're just more evolved apes and are cursed with a conscience and guilt. Sometimes im enjoying my day and these thoughts pop in my head and I feel like im about faint. They completely ruin my joyous mood. When I don't have weed, I feel lost. Weed for me masks these thoughts. It brings me away from the bad things and closer to my friends.
My ideas on life change a lot. I grew up going to catholic school for my whole life. I'm not bashing it, they are just (i don't want to call it brainwashing) forced to think these ideas because they know nothing else. They grow up around it and I somewhat pity my friends. I must say that its a great community and the only bad part is being forced to go to mass. I accomodate for their beliefs but they see everything else as evil. I told my religion class that I didn't believe in anything and that was a fun day. Lots of angry questions and pity thrown my way. I've wondered what it would be like if god was somehow revealed as nothing. I bet the suicide rate would go up astronomically. Like that one dude said above me, he would have commited suicide if his teacher didn't say anything. Life as we know it would just be the game it is. Everyone loses in the end, its just a matter of when and how. But i'm not agreeing with athiests at all. Their somewhat forming their own religion themselves and are just as extreme as catholics in their faith. I could see, in the long run, a war between the two. What are people like me that don't care supposed to do?
Yea lots of different thoughts in there and a lot off topic but meh, I don't have anything else do to right now. Toke on.