A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
A Guy Walks Into A Bar...
- Thread starter GreatwhiteNorth
- Start date
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
oh groan groan ... groan 
jamboss
Well-Known Member
A guy was in a bar and he over heard some women comparing their men to soft drinks (soda):
woman1: well my man's tall dark and gassy he's a pepsi
woman2: my man's a 7up cause at 7 'he up'
woman3: well my man's a black label
woman1: black labels not a soft drink it's a liquor
woman3: that's what my man is, a 'licker'
woman1: well my man's tall dark and gassy he's a pepsi
woman2: my man's a 7up cause at 7 'he up'
woman3: well my man's a black label
woman1: black labels not a soft drink it's a liquor
woman3: that's what my man is, a 'licker'
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
Three ripe young ladies are waiting in the ob-gyn's front office.
The first one rubs her roundness and proudly exclaims "Mine's gonna be a BOY."
"How's that?" asks the second one.
"Cuz I was on the bottom", explains #1 with a smile.
#2 says "Well then MINE will be a GIRL." as she rubs her gravid abdomen.
"How come?" inquires #1.
"Cuz I was on TOP."
At this point they look at #3, who has gone quite pale and is hugging her distended midsection.
"You okay Honey?" they ask. "What's wrong?"
In a tiny wavering voice, #3 says " ... I think I'm going to have puppies."
A young lady is getting examined by her gyno.
"Uh Doctor, can I get pregnant if I only do it, uuhhmm, the other way?"
"Of course, young lady!" beams the doctor. "How else do you think we get attorneys?"
cn
The first one rubs her roundness and proudly exclaims "Mine's gonna be a BOY."
"How's that?" asks the second one.
"Cuz I was on the bottom", explains #1 with a smile.
#2 says "Well then MINE will be a GIRL." as she rubs her gravid abdomen.
"How come?" inquires #1.
"Cuz I was on TOP."
At this point they look at #3, who has gone quite pale and is hugging her distended midsection.
"You okay Honey?" they ask. "What's wrong?"
In a tiny wavering voice, #3 says " ... I think I'm going to have puppies."
A young lady is getting examined by her gyno.
"Uh Doctor, can I get pregnant if I only do it, uuhhmm, the other way?"
"Of course, young lady!" beams the doctor. "How else do you think we get attorneys?"
cn
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: Transcend dental medication.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: Transcend dental medication.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
DaBong
Well-Known Member
A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.
Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions."
"I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions."
"I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior".
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did to piss you off?"
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.
Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions."
"I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions."
"I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior".
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did to piss you off?"
joker7455
Active Member
Two old men were out on the town having a few drinks when one suggested that they go to a whore house and get laid.
As they entered the house the maddam sees that they are very drunk.
She has the orderly go to room 1 and 2 and put a blow up doll in each room.
She says these two are too drunk ro know the difference.
The men do what they went to the house for.
As they were walking home the first guy says " I think my girl was dead."
Second guy replies " dead? What do you mean dead?
First guy replies " She never moved while we were making love. "
Second guy replies " I think mine was a witch. "
Other replies " which? What you mean?"
Second guy replies " When I kissed her on the neck, I give her a little bite. She farted and flew out the window and took my teeth with her!!!!
As they entered the house the maddam sees that they are very drunk.
She has the orderly go to room 1 and 2 and put a blow up doll in each room.
She says these two are too drunk ro know the difference.
The men do what they went to the house for.
As they were walking home the first guy says " I think my girl was dead."
Second guy replies " dead? What do you mean dead?
First guy replies " She never moved while we were making love. "
Second guy replies " I think mine was a witch. "
Other replies " which? What you mean?"
Second guy replies " When I kissed her on the neck, I give her a little bite. She farted and flew out the window and took my teeth with her!!!!
[youtube]RZ48TDpK7ho[/youtube]
The*Mad*Hatter
Well-Known Member
What do you call a gay indian
a brave sucka
a brave sucka
bryon209
Active Member
A man walks into a bank and demands cash after it is given to him his bandanna falls from his face for a moment and the teller see his face so he shoots her in the head. He looks at the teller next to her and asks did you see my face , she says yes so he shoots her in the head. The robber looks down at a man on the floor and asks did you see my face ....the man replied no but I am pretty sure my wife did!
The Cryptkeeper
Well-Known Member
That's wrong.
the man replied no but I am pretty sure Crypt did!
3 men walk into a bar. One orders a beer, another orders a shot, and the last one orders a whiskey. I dont know how the rest of the joke goes but your mother is a whore.
Two bums are in an alley, with only one dollar between them, trying to figure out how they are going to get drunk. I have an idea!, one exclaims. Give me your 50 cents. The drunk stands up with his dollar in pocket change, stumbles out of the alley towards the market across the street, and returns five minutes later with a hot dog in his hand. Oh, man, the second drunk cries, how are we going to get drunk off of a hot dog?
Ill explain!, the first drunk leans over and whispers his plan into his ear.
A couple of hours later, the two drunks are sitting in a bar. Having just finished 6 whiskeys between them, the bartender finally gets fed up. All right, Ive served you each three whiskeys, and you havent paid me yet. Thats it! If you dont have the cash, Im calling the police.
On that cue, the first drunk jumps up from his bar stool, where it becomes evident that he has zipped the hot dog into his fly. The second drunk dives to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog.
Oh my God! the bartender screeched, Get out of here! Get out of here!
Ten hours and eight bars later, the two drunks stumble back into the alley from where their adventure began.
Man, that was a great plan, the second drunk said, but boy are my knees sore from jumping down onto the floor in all of those bars.
You think your knees are sore?, the first drunk snorted. I lost the hot dog after the second bar.
Ill explain!, the first drunk leans over and whispers his plan into his ear.
A couple of hours later, the two drunks are sitting in a bar. Having just finished 6 whiskeys between them, the bartender finally gets fed up. All right, Ive served you each three whiskeys, and you havent paid me yet. Thats it! If you dont have the cash, Im calling the police.
On that cue, the first drunk jumps up from his bar stool, where it becomes evident that he has zipped the hot dog into his fly. The second drunk dives to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog.
Oh my God! the bartender screeched, Get out of here! Get out of here!
Ten hours and eight bars later, the two drunks stumble back into the alley from where their adventure began.
Man, that was a great plan, the second drunk said, but boy are my knees sore from jumping down onto the floor in all of those bars.
You think your knees are sore?, the first drunk snorted. I lost the hot dog after the second bar.
Whats the best part about getting head from an Ethiopian chick?
You know she'll swallow.
You know she'll swallow.
Winter Woman
Well-Known Member
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
An Italian suppository.
dirtyho1968
Well-Known Member
A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
The Cryptkeeper
Well-Known Member
Thanks for the signature.