gemsta
Infected With Chronicitus
Pretty Damn Funny!
Jokes for laughs
- Thread starter nongreenthumb
- Start date
skunkushybrid
New Member
What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
skunkushybrid
New Member
throw your washing in.
skunkushybrid
New Member
How do you stop a muslim from drowning?
skunkushybrid
New Member
take your foot off his head.
IPokeSmot
Well-Known Member
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
TillthedayiDIE420
Well-Known Member
HahahHAHaha that was a pretty good one smot!
A widowed Jewish lady, was sunbathing on a beach at Boca Raton,Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello,sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely.
Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello,sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely.
Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
MajoR_TokE
Well-Known Member
LOL.. Some great jokes here peeps..
shunkan
Active Member
three guys, a polish guy, a cowboy dude, and a black guy, are treking in the jungle, when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. as is with the tribes custom the men are brought before the chief. the chief says to the men "we will skin you alive, eat your entrails, and make canoes of your skin. but first we believe in giving every man a fighting chance. you may choose anything to help you escape my warriors". the chief looks at the black and demands what he wants.....the black guy says he wants a gun. they give it to him and he runs off into the jungle. after some shots are heard, the black guy is brought back to the camp, skined, eaten and a canoe made from his skin in front of the other two. teh cheif turns to the cowbays and demands wht he wants. he wants a horse. this cowboy gallops off and after a while is brought back to the camp and flayed and made a canoe of. meanwhile the polish guy is just losing his mind. the cheif turns to him and demands what he wants......"a fork" the polish guy replies. "a fork!" the chief laughs. "yes. a fork" replies the pole. "get this idiot a fork!"
just as the pole gets the fork he begins stabbing himself all over his body, and screaming "your not making a fuckin canoe out of me".
just as the pole gets the fork he begins stabbing himself all over his body, and screaming "your not making a fuckin canoe out of me".
TillthedayiDIE420
Well-Known Member
HOW TO CALL THE POILICE WHEN YOUR OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ENYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but he say the there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in you house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, he phoned the police again. "Hello, i just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Withing five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (true story) P.S Please don't take this as my advice.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but he say the there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in you house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, he phoned the police again. "Hello, i just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Withing five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (true story) P.S Please don't take this as my advice.
Kialhimself
Well-Known Member
A tramp was wlking down the road when he kiks a lamp and *POOF* a genie popped out the lamp and said you have 3 wishes!
He thought for a while then saw a limo go passed he said "I Wish that limos was mine and I was riing in the back right now!" so *POOF* he was in the limo and he then sees a huge house and wishes he owned and lived in the house and *POOF* his wish came true his last wish was a hard one he glared out the window thinking of what to wish for when he see the woman of his dreams he said to the genie "I wish I was between that womans legs" then *POOF* He turned into a tampon...... = D very stoned moment I am armed with a bong and some skins
He thought for a while then saw a limo go passed he said "I Wish that limos was mine and I was riing in the back right now!" so *POOF* he was in the limo and he then sees a huge house and wishes he owned and lived in the house and *POOF* his wish came true his last wish was a hard one he glared out the window thinking of what to wish for when he see the woman of his dreams he said to the genie "I wish I was between that womans legs" then *POOF* He turned into a tampon...... = D very stoned moment I am armed with a bong and some skins
dew-b
Well-Known Member
A jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot
>>>> comes
>>>> on the intercom, "This is your Captain speaking. We're on our
final
>>>> descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today
and
>>>> hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
>>>> He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can
hear
>>>> his
>>>> conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to
the
>>>> pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
>>>> "Well," replies the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel
and
>>>> take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with
the
>>>> huge tits out for dinner .. then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take
her
>>>> back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night
>>>> long."
>>>> Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
immediately
>>>> begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who
this
>>>> new
>>>> stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new
>>>> stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so
>>>> embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn off
the
>>>> captain's intercom. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old
>>>> lady's
>>>> bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need
to
>>>> hurry dear .. he's gotta take a shit first."
>>>> comes
>>>> on the intercom, "This is your Captain speaking. We're on our
final
>>>> descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today
and
>>>> hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
>>>> He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can
hear
>>>> his
>>>> conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to
the
>>>> pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
>>>> "Well," replies the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel
and
>>>> take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with
the
>>>> huge tits out for dinner .. then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take
her
>>>> back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night
>>>> long."
>>>> Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and
immediately
>>>> begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who
this
>>>> new
>>>> stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new
>>>> stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so
>>>> embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn off
the
>>>> captain's intercom. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old
>>>> lady's
>>>> bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need
to
>>>> hurry dear .. he's gotta take a shit first."
VictorVIcious
Well-Known Member
Soo..guy walks in to the bar and says hey man I want 12 martini's. So i fix one and set it down. He says no you don't understand I want all 12 setting here on the bar. Ok celebrating something special? Ya I'm celebrating my first blow job. Hey that is quite an occasion, let the house buy you one. OH no..no thank bartender,.. If 12 doesn't get this taste out of my mouth 13 won't either.
hahahhaha very nice....this one was a pretty good one. I shall have to keep this one for myself. haha, I liked
smkpt
Well-Known Member
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."